I just love Andy Capp. Every time I go to the used book place I look for the small collections, the very old ones. The recent ones I don’t like as much, because they took Andy’s accent away and it just isn’t the same.

Surfing blogs I was directed by Stephaine to Secret Garden for an interesting exercise… Ten things I never said but should’ve. Just list them without putting the name of the persone they’re intended to. The funny thing is, as they both mention, is that you realize after writing them down that they can be directed to more than one person.

1. No it’s not ok.
2. I never meant to do this to you, I’m sorry.
3. Shut up already!
4. I’m sorry I didn’t say I love you more often.
5. Please leave.
6. I don’t want you in my life anymore.
7. Sure you can come over.
8. Yes I do mind.
9. Your heroin habit is a turn off really.
10. It was me that stole that gram from your stash, sorry about the problems it brought you.

I enjoyed that

I’m glad I’m not into drugs anymore… I haven’t touched anything in over 15 years except the occasional joint. And I still have issues with that part of my life, imagine.

This time of the year, not only am I reminded of my mom’s death, but also of my childhood friend. She shot herself in the head. On January 2nd 2000.

C. and I met in 6th grade. I was new to this small town up in the laurentians, coming from Montreal. My mom send me to live with my dad because she wanted to… well, I don’t know what she wanted but she ended up dancing topless and feeding her coke habit. Anyways. So I’m sent to live with my father and his girlfriend. It was really hard the first few weeks. I didn’t know anyone, and everybody knew each other. I started to hang out with a weird family that lived next to the school, smoking and stealing and stuff. Then one day one of the girls I was “friends” with confronted me with my friend to be. Saying I had badmouthed her. Which was true, but I wasn’t gonna admit to it. So C. jumped on me and started to beat the shit out of me. I had never been in a fight and had no clue what to do.

I was on my back, C. straddling me, punching me in the face when an old man got out of his car and started to yell at C. to get off me, leave me alone. So I did what I thought was the safest thing to do… I told the old guy to get the fuck back in his car, this was none of his business… And a friendship was born.

She was living with her mom, who was a sometimes dancer, mostly waitress and barmaid. Into drugs of course. I celebrated my 12th birthday smoking a joint with C., her mom and her mom’s boyfriend. We were best friends, I basically lived at her place.

Throughout the years, we took a lot of drugs, fucked a lot of boys and beat up a lot of people. But then I moved back to Montreal and it wasn’t the same anymore. We grew apart. She really went all out and also became a dancer… then dealer… then escort… then she had a kid… then she got AIDS… then she hooked up with a loser who beat her up… who left a fucking gun in the house… which she used to kill herself.

She was an accident waiting to happen. She was miserable. She loved her daughter to death. She was my friend.

your eyes on me your hands on me your fingers in me your teeth on my neck your mouth on my tits your hands on my ass my face between your legs my tongue on your balls your cock on my face in my mouth my fingers running down your body the taste of your skin your skin under my fingers my hands holding your face your hands holding my hips your fingers planted in my skin your tongue inside me your looking down at me sucking licking drinking tasting eating loving your body moving me watching in the mirror moaning crying wanting taking giving look how beautiful you are I want to fuck you hard now take it off no oh yes yes yes I see you looking I see now I still feel you inside me still smell taste want want need…

I changed my mind, I’m not thankful you let go.

I watched the Big Lebowski again today. Sometime I wish I was like the Dude. He is totally aware and content. Absolutely ok with who he is, isn’t. Jeff Bridges reminded me to watch Arlington Road soon too, I really enjoyed that one when it came out. I love Tim Robbins. He’s filming with Phillip Noyce right now, a film about an ANC freedom fighter. Noyce is also directing American Pastoral, from Philip Roth’s novel. I bought some stock on the Hollywood Stock Exchange for that one but so far it hasn’t paid much.

Also watched The Fellowship of the Ring. How can a movie get better even after so many many times? I hope King Kong will have that same magic.