So sad

Not the Christmas anyone expected…

On the 22nd we learned that my sister in law’s brother died in his sleep the previous night. He was in his early 40’s, with 2 kids. She had lost another brother 4 years ago. She is now an only child… Both parents are still alive.

This year it was her turn to have us over for the Christmas dinner. She decided she did not want to cancel and still have a party. And it was a great idea. Everyone had a great time, we drank a lot (me too, a big fucking lot), did karaoke, word games, the food was great, we hugged a lot, cried, laughed, said I love you… L. did a wonderful santa for the kids.

That was last night. Before leaving for the party I called my dad to ask what time he wanted us to be there tonight for dinner. He said well, we might have a change of plans… My step mom’s sister has been in the hospital for a few weeks now, terminal cancer. And S. was there all night (23 to 24th). The doctors told the family she only had a few hours left.

This morning I called again, and my father told me S.’s sister had died yesterday. They are 10 brothers and sisters in her family, both parents are dead (of cancer). They were all there with their sister when she passed. I spoke with S. a little bit, we cried together, and I tried to comfort her as best as I could.

So we came back here. It’s been a very strange Christmas. I wasn’t looking forward to it, yet it probably was one of the best party we’ve ever had.

Maybe we were celebrating life.

The foulest media performances of 2005 (US)

Norman Solomon’s P.U.-litzer Prizes at gnn.tv

Invisible soon

I’m fading
Away, retiring
Drawing back
Forgetting how to feel
Letting go of the gloom
Yet not letting in the light

I’m fading
Unlike the memories
Unlike your touch
Unlike your smell
Unlike your taste

I’m fading
But not forgetting
How good it can feel
How deep it can get
How big it is

I’m fading
Into the winter
Into the colors gone
Away from the presence
Into the nothingness of the cold

Receding, withdrawing
Not erased yet
Just fading
Away

In my ears

Tonight I took a long walk, it was snowing somewhat heavily, big fat flakes, beautiful.

In my ears “and up above, aliens hover, making home movies for the folks back home” and I was thinking, have I become a spectator of my own life?

In my ears “let it flow like a mud slide when I get on I like to ride and Glide I’ve got depth of perception in my text y’all I get props at my Mention ’cause I vex y’all so what’cha want” What is it that I want? What am I looking for here?

In my ears “A sickened mind and spirit, The mirror tells me lies, Could I mistake myself for someone, Who lives behind my eyes?” Is it really me here, or just a few layers that needed to be shed?

In my ears “In this theater that I call my soul, I always play the starring role” Center stage. Look at me, look at how miserable I am, look at how sad my situation is, look at meeeeee, hello????? I’m here, over here, hey, look here!

Strangely, I’m in a good mood tonight.

Pain in the blog

A funny thing happened. I started to write here because something was missing, things were changing, events were definately not happening. And I was wondering where my love for writing had gone. Slowly it came to me, that torrent of words, of ideas, of emotions, feelings, thoughts, pains. Now I just can’t stop. Can’t hold anything inside.

In the few months I’ve been here, I’ve browsed other peoples spaces, read their thoughts, ideas, stories, poems. Interacted with a few, to different degrees. Some want to be writers, some are. Some, like me, just need a place to express their feelings, no matter how dark. Others are true artists, social commentators, spectators.

It’s a wonderful experience so far. I belong wherever I go. And every one belongs here. I like to leave comments, I like it when people leave comments here. I try not to think about the audience when I write though. That’s a big trap. I’m not here because I want to be a writer when I grow up. I’m here for everything else.

Anyways, here’s Maddox’s take on blogs, enjoy!: If these words were people, I would embrace their genocide.