.
For the fourth fucking time. She never kept one. And she won’t keep it this time either.

She’s my best friend. But two years ago I told her abortion is not fucking contraception. Get your shit together. She won’t take the pill, she says it’s too chemical, it’s bad for her body. No shit! What about condoms, abstinence, the calendar? What ever it takes. I don’t understand her. I don’t want to judge her, but when I got her email this morning I was very angry at her. Still am.

Anything else, I wouldn’t even think twice about being there for her. But I have to admit, I’m so so disapointed. Her boyfriend is a leech, hasn’t found a job in months, just sits at home watching sports and smoking pot, pretending to go to interviews. She wrote me “We thought about it together and decided it was best this way”.

Frankly, I’m speechless. I love her, I want her to be happy. I let her live whatever she has to go through and try to be there whenever she needs me. I will be there again. But I don’t know if things will ever be the same. Abortion. For the FOURTH time. This is just wrong.

When my son was 6 weeks old I had one. I am pro-choice, of course, all the way. This is completely different though. What can I tell her, what can I say that won’t hurt her, how can I hold back on something like this? I don’t know if I’ll be able to. We’ll see.
.

What about that first kiss, when the world disapeared and only his breath kept you alive?

What about the taste on your tongue as you licked your lips hours after he was gone?

What about the smell that lingered on your sweater, still hidden in the drawer? What about the swoon of the hearth when you bury your face in it and catch a glimpse of his scent?

What about the blue of his eyes? What about the clouds that stopped moving while you thought you were looking at the sky?

What about the hours spent feeling the ghost of his touch? What about the words that stayed, stay, echo, shout, that makes you want to runaway?

What about the movie in your head, playing until you’re sick, until you can’t take it anymore?

What about the emptiness? Yes, what about the longing to be full again.

What about that first kiss? Long gone, but still printed on your soul?

———————————————

Kiss me kiss me kiss me!
Your tongue is like poison
So swollen it fills up my mouth

Love me love me love me!
You nail me to the floor
And push my guts all inside out

Get it out get it out get it out!
Get your fucking voice
Out of my head!

I never wanted this
I never wanted any of this
I wish you were dead
I wish you were dead

I never wanted any of this
I wish you were dead
Dead
Dead
Dead
-The Cure

A question, that I was not able to answer
A question, that I still hear
“What do you like?”
Months, and still
The interrogation is laughing at me
“What do you like?”
And at the time, sitting on the floor
Between his legs, my face resting on his thigh
I could not come up with an answer
“I don’t know, I don’t know”
Even as I said it, I was ashamed
Of myself, of the sound the words made
I still hear it, them
Because I’ve yet to come up with an answer
“What do you like?”
Sport fuck performance anxiety
Tanned tight smooth
Hairless plastic latex covered feelings
Bound branded humiliated underfoot
Dominated submissive trampled
Nothing is real, it’s downloaded
How am I supposed to know?
How are we supposed to know?

Thanks to my very illegal copies of pretty much everything on this computer, I’ve spent the last 6 hours sitting here, fixing my mistakes. Major, major losses. But at least I’m online, yes, safely. This is not the first time it happens. Am I considering actually buying software? No. Unless it comes with the next machine I buy.

——————————————

Woke up with the headache from hell, not even because I was hungover. Just because. What I really needed today was a deep muscle massage, head, neck, shoulders, back. Yeah, right, like that’s going to happen. I don’t even ask for it. I did what I could myself.
——————————————-

Sometimes I think if I could’ve had more kids I would’ve. Then they invite some friends over, and man am I glad I didn’t.

——————————————-

Bought some books lately, and also went to the librairy. I have 3 going on at the same time. I can’t concentrate. Half the cycle is here. Yes, ovulation, then a few days off, then all hell will break loose. Right at the start of our trip to Colombia. Poor them…

je laisse un message
je donne de mes nouvelles
je lâche un cri
je compose le numéro de poste
français montreal xxxxxx xxxxxxxx
il n’y a pas de service au numéro que vous avez composé
désolé l’abonné que vous désirez rejoindre n’est pas…
le vide le vide bordel
y a rien plus rien
sauf moi qui grimpe aux murs
l’attente du mouvement dans les rideaux
l’oreille tendue, c’est la troisième marche qui craque
la chatte me regarde
crisse de folle

That’s me! Today anyway. Man, that day is draggin’. I use MSN at work, mostly to communicate with my carriers, and a little bit to chat with friends. I have this guy, a carrier that does a lot of work for me. But he’s getting on my nerves big time… asking about my panties and stuff. He’s always complaining about his wife, about his marriage, bla bla bla… I’m probably going to shut him up before the end of the day. Loser.

I finish at 4pm here… Then I go straight home, PS2 is calling, gotta go on tour. SSX tour. I don’t care what other people say, I love it

Second post of the day from work… I should feel guilty right?