Blind slumber
Going through the motions. Every day looking like its predecessor. It's highly possible that the next will join the ranks. And as I drag my lazy ass from today to tomorrow, I am amazed at how easy it is to do, say or feel absolutely nothing. To not think. And the deeper I fall into this state, the worst I feel. On one hand I tell myself, it's ok, take break, just drop everything and float. Follow the line. On the other, I feel guilty, lazy and small. For falling asleep again.
The I-shoulds that I used to turn into I-dids are now becoming fuck-its. Any attempt to focus is killed by shut-ups and don't-think-about-its. The wind has died. The drive is gone. But it was all fabricated. Rested on artifice. Conditions. Compromises. Another kind of sleep.
I am confronted once again with a stranger. Two people lived side by side, one watching the other die. The dead is haunting me. The living is hiding in shame. Will I go for the trinity? As the third player is poking her head out, I'm starting to feel jilted by my own mind.
I should go on a trip, far away. Let them fight it over. I was about to write, I'm so tired. Then I realized, what the fuck am I a tried of? I do nothing. I let everything slip, slide, go. I don't try to grasp. I don't try to hold. Tired of what? I'm actually afraid, that's what I think. Afraid of seeing my mind go. Of never being able to recover what I started. The beautiful that I bred. The wonderful that was showing signs of blooming.
Afraid that I am not worth all this. That I'm being selfish for trying to be a better me. All this time spent in my mind, to clean it up, to understand it better, is surely too egocentric. I don't deserve that amount of time and effort. I can get by on sitcoms and crappy softcovers.
It's just too easy like this. And too hard for the rest. But there is always a catch for taking the easy way out. And I can see it. So I need to stay awake. Eyes opened. No caffeine this time, no Rockstar, no Monster. No fake help. Poke me once in a while will ya?
I and there
Around the bend
Around, it's somewhere, right here
Across the divided earth
Over the fantastic hills
I can climb anything
I can jump as high as… yes, that high
A slow tumble towards the end
A soft landing for my balance was near perfect
No scabs to pick
Nothing to call home about
Just a few more miles, jumps, steps, dashes
Just a little farther
It's right around the corner
Il est où mon boulet?
Ça se dit pas. Mais pourtant, j'ai envie de le dire.
Je peux pas le dire. Mais je vais le faire quand même.
Câlisse que j'm'ennuie.
Mes doigts brûlent. Mon coeur bat. J'ai envie de dégueuler. J'ai l'feu au cul pour rien.
Détox de mots. Sevrage de maître.
Une proie facile au large. Garrochez vous pas.
Fuck.
Stream of acceptance
Deaf dumb and thirty
Starting to deserve this
Leaning on my conscience wall
A face stamped on the very first riff.
Gone, gone, should be fucking gone by now.
Yet I still find myself on my hands and knees howling.
Yet I still look back for a glimpse of reality.
All this to remember I was still a woman.
All this shit to remember what it means to give.
Nothing in return. Just an empty shell. Again.
How many times will I give thinking I will receive?
How can the idea of being posessed be so seductive?
Does swimming against the stream sound too ordinary?
Do images stay that long?
Starting to deserve this indeed.
One year has gone since my birth. And suicide.
Fall will be hard the breath.
Because I have disconnected my life support.
The smells will remind me.
The sounds will remind me.
The cold air will remind me.
That I was dead before. That I have died again.
I want to deserve myself.
I want to be worthy of me.
I. Will. Not. Go. Back.
To no one, to nothing.
I am my own gift.
So get the fuck out of my way.
Goodbye
Saying goodbye… to a pile of shit.
G.O.W.
If I was the Oracle, I'd fuck Kratos. Preferably after a killing spree, drenched in blood. Out of breath, still on a high from the battle. Hands gripping my hair, ripping my clothes, grabbing my thighs, leaving trails of blood on my skin, his teeth in my neck, on my breasts and… hem… ahhhh… well, as I said, if I was the Oracle.
Haven't played in while and got lost on the rooftops of Athens tonight. Stupid. After half an hour I finally found my way. I was just too lazy to get to the computer and read the walkthrough.
Now all I hear is the soundtrack and helpless villagers. Whom I've killed of course. Life orbs :)