Weekly offering
Yes,all to:
Now!!!
—oOSOo—
I just didn't want to to this tonight. Didn't have the energy. Inspiration is always there though, at the tip of your words.
—oOSOo—
As I think about what I've been writing here since the beginning, the changes, the stories, fictional and not so fictional, I realize that everything was a premise for what is to come. A kind of rain check on the inevitable, a silent yet violent therapy.
I haven't lived my life through my blog, rather, I lived because of it. Or resuscitated. Which ever it is, nothing else could've prepared me better. Will I ever be ready is another question. I guess not. Never.
I'm feeling the physical effects of the extreme emotional stress I've been under and it scares me. That alone should be enough warning.
Also, denying myself of all the love I need to give and receive has made me a very bitter and angry person, and I don't like to hang around too long in my head these days. I miss that.
Despite what everyone has been telling me, I still cannot convince myself that I deserve, that I am worthy, that I am allowed. To. Anything.
It would be easy to blame. To point fingers. But I refuse to do that. In the process though, I have to fucking stop scourging myself. And just move on. Move the fuck on.
The ground has never been shakier. Yet, I'm willing to make one more step. And another one. And another one.
Fear
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
-James Thurber
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Frank Herbert (from Dune)
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Talking to you from the other side of a wall in my mind
And it's clear that you're near to me
I think I found a way to understand why I couldn't see what was happening
The fear overcame me
Took a trip on the inside, I took a trip on the inside
-
Anathema / (Breaking over the) Barriers
J’ai vu mon nom…
Là où un autre aurait dû être?
Mon nom. De derrière la page.
Et c'est moi, encore plus.
Dans le coin d'une photo. Un oeil. Une bouche.
Un nom.
Sur une page.
Sur d'autres, mon autre.
Ailleurs, encore un autre.
De combien en ai-je besoin?
Le mien dans la réalité projetée sur écran.
Elle vient de s'échouer dans mes yeux.
Une addition qui en fait est une division qui s'est résolue.
J'en ai jamais eu qu'un seul.
Fell
The night has fallen.
Suns died.
The knight has fallen.
Sons cried.
All around the smell of standing still for lives that never came.
Only dust the herald of hollow memories.
À ne pas oublier
Note to self:
J'ai 35 ans.
J'peux-tu rêver ciboire?
J'ai tu encore le temps?
Mais surtout, j'ai tu le droit?
Qu'est-ce que ça m'prend pour pas oublier que la réponse c'est OUI?
Pour pas me fondre dans le décor pis attendre attendre attendre espérer penser que être plus forte que piler dessus conformer demander?
Je veux respirer. Je veux rêver.
Des mains sur mon visage.
Je veux pas crever sans jamais sentir des mains sur mon visage, des yeux plantés dans les miens.
Je l'prend le droit.
Je. Le prend.
FYI
Quickly
First: If you get lost in here, check in the sidebar…Under the Pages, right above the Categories… A tiny link to the main page. Why? Because I have no time to learn CSS and fix this properly, and that's the best temporary solution I found… Eventually, I promise. That and the ugly links in IE. And the cutoff letters in the post titles in FF… I have to stop here cause I'll go on and on.
Second: I've updated my feeds in Bloglines and decided to make my profile public, the whole thing, except for blogs that I'm trying out (you don't even want to know how many there are in that folder…) I can't possibly link all the blogs I read here. And soon I will clean them up and update them. My Bloglines links will always be available though.
http://www.bloglines.com/public/swanpr (Link in the side bar as well)
I know, I know, there's a lot. I know, I don't comment. But I READ, believe me.
Quand je dis que je bouffe les mots, quand je dis que j'en ai jamais assez…
PS: I'm open to suggestions, for English blogs (poetry, short stories, prose, thoughts, well, you know…) Looking for new reads.
