Very bad post
January 27, 2007
Posted in The well |
I know I'm naive. I know. I'm also soft, weak, vulnerable. I want to believe people will always do their best. Always be honest. I want to stay fucking innocent. But not today. No. Today I got fucked. Today I was made to realize that people are vindictive and insensitive and mean and manipulative. And him… In the bag with the others. Fucked me so good, for a second there I thought I was out of options. Fuck you. Fuck. You. Fuck off. For lying to me, for letting me carry your fucking pain and hurt and then kicking me in the legs to make sure I did not run. Fuck you for telling me I'm abandoning you, when it is you that has abandoned me years ago. Years. What was that? Have you ever made love with someone who doesn't TOUCH you? Have you ever hugged someone who doesn't respond, that just stays there, as if it's ok to tolerate, but there's not way he'll participate? Have you ever shaved, waxed, smiled, lost weight, dressed up for someone who just didn't care to notice? And you're asking ME to understand? FUCK YOU. It's too fucking late. You've killed me. Killed me. And now that I want to live, now that I've understood I DON'T have to be dead, you want to strangle me back to death? I never, ever, thought I would be the victim of your meanness. Not after everything I've done for you. Everything I've let be, for the chance of seeing you smile at me with love. The chance of feeling your hands on me. Of getting more love than you're giving the fucking cat. Now that YOU see what I was missing, lacking, starving from, you want to punish ME?
Illusions out the window. I tried. To be an adult. To be fair, opened. You decided to go back on your word. To manipulate me. Hold me hostage. Put more weight on my shoulders. For the kids' sake I thought I was making the right moves. For our sake. All you see is your fucking life escaping you. Your show, your call. And you expect me to fold. Because that's what I always do.
And even though I'm down, on the floor, with barely a breath to spare, you know what? I won't. Not this time. Fuck you. Have I said it enough times? Fuck you. Because for once I will think of me. Not of what YOU will think of me. I will not stop at what the consequences will be for YOU.
I'm tired. Depressed. Discouraged. Sad. Hurt. Very much alone. But I'm alive. Watch your dead angles. I'm coming at you.
Leave a Reply
sending positive vibes
Don’t even bother going after him, take care of yourself is more important.
Besides that ignoring someone hurts most.
I am sorry that you were fucked over. But let it be a reflection of him, not you. You rock. You’re sensitive. You are a beautiful person. Let him take his poison with him.
Oui, t’es alive. So alive. Je sais que c’est un bout roff. Comme quand tu pousses, tu pousses pis qu’y a rien qui sort, qu’y a juste des mottons en traffic compacté dans l’autoroute de ta criss de vie. Je sais. Je suis là. Pas trop loin derrière, comme tu l’as été cet été, quand s’t'ai ma vie à moi qui me compactais la gorge.
Alive and Kicking.
oui, tu Rock (comme Chris a dit plus haut)
T’aime xxx
thank you. all of you.
Bah non, toujours aussi bon, aussi juste à (brûle) point que tous tes billets.
Troublée yet again…
WOW!
Don’t know what to say!
j-julie: tu fais référence au post précédant?
merci, t’es gentille.
Quartz: c’est vrai… on est presque synchro. cosmic connection faut croire. mais hey, on est toujours debout
L-P: ça fait du bien tsé, sortir tout ça, se laisser aller…
MMMM….those were some satisfying “Fuck you’s”. I feel better, and I didn’t even have to say them. Maybe I’m the one you have been looking for. Anyways, I love you.
a walk down memory bloglane! I’m glad it felt good for you as well. I love you too