Midstep
February 20, 2007
Posted in Everyday Swan, The well |
Between two anxiety attacks I try to arrange, place, organize. I try to appear calm. I try to focus, visualise. But somehow everything is slippery and crumbling under my fingers. I have the thinnest thread running between two lives. I’m afraid.
Not afraid. No, scared. My willingness to change, to move, to live was overbearing. Now that it’s happening, all the questions I should’ve asked myself before surface furiously. The evidence blinded me. And as I try to picture myself gone, all I can see is me here. What I will miss. The life I’m supposedly unhappy with. The moments when we were four. In the car, at the diner table, on the beach, in the mountain. But of course it’s over. Of course I’m leaving. Because we were not two anymore.
As I head towards everything new and shiny and exciting, I full grasp the meaning of my decision. Who am I kidding… I DID ask myself the questions. Fuck, if not once a thousand times then. I drove myself to insanity with them. Drove back here to find an empty, empty, desolate room. With only the faintest scent of happiness lingering.
But still I’m scared. It’s all so real. There is no other way for me to explain this. No fancy allegory, no poetic arrangement. I can’t escape it this time. I can’t let it leave a message on the machine. Can’t let it pile up on the counter. Can’t ask to stop the payment. This is one that will go through no matter what.
Leave a Reply
It was inevitable…
Swannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
REGARDE ÇA!!!
OMFG!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtwnWwKXkRo
Dave: it took that many word, that many questions, but yes, it was. from the beginning.
Vic!: t’a leu louk qui teu colle à la peu! hahaha cool! que de souvenirs
I hope that you find a brilliant new life with this drastic change. Best wishes!
thank you Chris. always nice to see you around