Après le tir
Je tire sur les chants avant qu’ils s’écrient, qu’ils échouent sur les ailes du pigeon en plein vol, en plein élan vers l’endoit où se seraient trouvés les mots qui grattent à la porte d’une chambre condamnée à abriter les mélodies nées pour les accompagner. La dissonance dans la distance entre les deux saigne et coule et ma langue innondée flotte et cherche la surface à lécher qui n’absorbera pas qui laissera. Une mer lisse en lueurs et promesses rubis après la noyade des âges mal vécus.
Je n’ai plus que ce don qu’est d’aimer.
Ya ya ya*
Le blogroll sera mis à jour d’ici quelques jours, promis!
The blogroll will be updated within a few days promise!
…
*Happy?
Blast from the past I
I could hear him again soon. If I wanted to. Just turn that dial, and there he is. I just hope I won’t. Not even by accident. I’m not ready. I thought I was. I thought…
Here is one of my first posts, that is still on blogspot. One of many I will import back here soon. Originally, I wrote this as an introduction for a short story I never finished. And I opened my blog and I dug it out and adjusted it but not much. It was written three years before everything happened. It’s like I had a premonition. Like I knew. But it was never calculated.
Reading it today, it bothers me, I see holes and weaknesses all over it. But it’s heartfelt, and I’m posting it here without any changes:
It was, of course, the voice that made her swoon. The face she had known for a while. But once she heard him on the radio, the face somehow took the backseat and became a blur in her mind. The intelligence, the sexiness… Oh, how he turned her on.
And so she wrote him an email claiming her love, jokingly, in a way that she thought showed some wit. To said email he replied very briefly, even reluctantly, but she pushed on. And soon they were having conversations about their lives, turn-ons. Everything was moving so fast, she was caught in a whirlwind of being anxious about the next email, feeling elated after reading it and getting all hot and heavy replying.
And then he wanted to meet. And then she said no, and then she said yes. And then they had unbelievable sex. And then he said it was too much to bear. And then he disappeared. Blocked her email, said fuck you and went on his way. Well fuck you too buddy she thought, not really meaning it.
Ok, it was a stupid idea to start with anyways. You had it coming. He didn’t have to be an asshole about it though.
So on that very sad night she lit up the thousandth cigarette of the evening and contemplated the possibility of becoming a psychotic stalker.
But then, she realized, she was just too fucking lazy.
Rentrées obligées
I’m going to keep this template. I’ll just fix it, fix the blogroll, the archives… It looks good I think. And I love the layout.
Les enfants commencent l’école cette semaine. Ma fille au troisième secondaire va donc changer de pavillon et mon fils commence le secondaire. Son visage disait tout lors de la prérentrée. Le collège lui a fait peur un peu. C’est un milestone, toute une marche à monter passer du primaire au secondaire. Pour moi aussi. Le voilà ado, pour vrai. Me voilà un peu plus libre aussi. J’ai tellement eu hâte à cet été qu’on a pas vu passer. Et maintenant l’automne qui se pointe avec de nouvelles histoires, de nouvelles promesses. J’ai comme l’impression que j’entre dans une autre phase. L’hiver à été la libération conditionnelle, le printemps ma probation et l’été la récréation. L’automne arrive, et je fais ma rentrée moi aussi.
Anger management
Something’s wrong.
Wallowing in big fat patches of bliss, something happened while I wasn’t looking.
Must have been a leak of some kind.
I lost my anger. And that’s not good. That’s part of who I am. I feel like a soft blob floating around, not really important, not really interested in anything, not really caring for anything.
I’m scared I’ve lost it for good. What really defined my personality is diluted. I had drive. I had an edge. Being angry all the time is not healthy, granted. But never being angry cannot seriously be better.
Strangely, I’m living happy times. Yet I find myself walking towards the well once again. The pull is getting stronger.
Maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t know. I just know that I long for an angry moment. Is it the comfort of a familiar state of mind that I miss? Don’t think so. I know, I feel that this is a walk towards balance. How could it not be? I don’t feel complete. No more than I did before. I’m just at the other spectrum of who I can be. I like the softer, happier me. But still, it’s not the whole me.
Not long ago I said I didn’t want to go on another introspective journey. That I’ve had enough for a while. At that time it was true.
I think I just reached the end of that one. Time to move on. Time, once again, to step off the path.
Ouvert pendant les rénovations
Je cherche (encore) un template. Je vais en essayer plusieurs dans les prochains jours.
Le blogroll est incomplet.
Des catégories vont surement sauter.
Un genre de ménage du printemps en automne.
Quand j’ai migré ici, j’ai enlevé beaucoup de posts très personels qui sont restés sur blogspot, et que j’ai sur mon blog de backup. Je vais probablement les réintégrer au tout.
Je sais qu’il n’y a pas personne qui va les lire. J’ai juste envie que ce soit complet ici.
Merci de votre patience.
