Lavage, ménage, TLMP. Ça manque un peu de sel tout ça.
Month: November 2005
Mother
I miss my mom. I never thought I would, not that bad. She was sick for so long, when she finally passed away I thought I was through mourning. And quite frankly, I was. I couldn’t handle it anymore. She had no family, I’m an only child. So the responsabilities were just suffocating me. And I felt ashamed for being relieved when she died. But as with everything, I coped.
It will be 5 years on December 12th. The day after my birthday. And right now the only person I really want to speak with is her. Funny, while she was alive we rarely had mother-daughter talks. I was mostly the mom anyways. Not only in the last years, but all my life. I never turned to her when I really I should’ve. I think I denied her of her role, in my constant need for control.
I never agreed with the choices she made in her life. And I blamed her for a long time for my short comings. I was strong enough to get to here, but not enough to face the reality of my own weaknesses. I always thought she could’ve done more for us. She was smart enough to know it too. But maybe she did do enough. I see that now, when I look at my own children. What is it that I need to do for them, more than love them, accept who they are becoming and show them how beautiful life can be?
Now my mom is gone, and every day I wish she was here. But she still lives in me, and as the years pass, everything about her that I was denying myself to be is sufacing. I can live with that now.
Read and release!
Isn’t that a beautiful idea? If you haven’t done so yet, visit Bookcrossing. I won’t explain, just go have a look.
I’ve been a member for months, registered my books weeks ago… Meant to release them but got sidetracked a bit… I’ll go release a few next week for sure. I have to. It’s too good an idea.
I released only one and someone catched it a couple of days later. I hope he releases it back once he’s done!
Deception?
It was, of course, the voice that made her swoon. The face she had known for a while. But once she heard him on the radio, the face somehow took the backseat and became a blur in her mind. The intelligence, the sexiness… Oh, how he turned her on.
And so she wrote him an email claiming her love, jokingly, in a way that she thought showed some wit. To said email he replied very briefly, even reluctantly, but she pushed on. And soon they were having conversations about their lives, turn-ons. Everything was moving so fast, she was caught in a whirlwind of being anxious about the next email, feeling elated after reading it and getting all hot and heavy replying.
And then he wanted to meet. And then she said no, and then she said yes. And then they had unbelievable sex. And then he said it was too much to bear. And then he disappeared. Blocked her email, said fuck you and went on his way. Well fuck you too buddy she thought, not really meaning it.
Ok, it was a stupid idea to start with anyways. You had it coming. He didn’t have to be an asshole about it though.
So on that very sad night she lit up the thousandth cigarette of the evening and contemplated the possibility of becoming a psychotic stalker.
But then, she realized, she was just too fucking lazy.
Gone
He’s gone. Like a fucking thief. Can’t write.
I shall be released
I’ve lost a friend. Or whatever he is. Mostly I’ve lost a presence. I’ve lost myself a bit too I think. I guess I’ll post here more often, since I can’t talk to him anymore. Or so little. I know it’s over, I know he’ll say goodbye soon.
I can’t be someone else’s concience, fuck that. I just wish he was able to talk to me. I’m afraid he’ll just fade away, or disapear suddendly. I’ve become dependent, it’s so pathetic, I can’t believe how weak I’ve been.
It’s a matter of days I know. There’s this nice letter waiting, not too long, just nice. Just a few words I’d like to say before he vanishes from my life. I’ll never send it. Weak, weak. Weeeeeeeeeak. Maybe I’m just freakin out… But I don’t think so. The silence. It’s killing me.
Tonight is the end of everything. The man in my life has lost something that was important to him, and I’m losing someone that probably has become too important to me. I’m not ready, I don’t want to see him go 🙁 I’ll wait and see.
Writers list
Une liste d’auteurs que je veux découvrir, lire, aimer ou détester. I’ll keep that one open for revision 🙂
Maurice G. Dantec. Son passage à TLMP a fait réagir les gens au bureau… My god, je ne pensais même pas qu’ils (elles surtout) avaient des opinions.
John Brunner. Surtout Stand on Zanzibar.
William Gibson. Le pape du cyberpunk. J’ai même pas lu Neuromancer.
Bruce Sterling. Un autre pionnier du cyberpunk.
Jim Thompson. Pulp fiction writer, really hard boiled.
Dylan Thomas. The power of words over reality. I should read more literature.
Nelson Algren. The man with the golden arm. I’ve always loved that movie with Sinatra… Chicago in the 50’s.
Charles Bukowski. “There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.” Man, ’nuff said!
Joseph Conrad. Heart of Darkness of course. Birth place of Apocalypse Now. The original setting was Belgian Congo.
Oscar Wilde. He was consumed by temptation. Aren’t we all…
Dennis Lehane. J’ai lu Mystic River et maintenant je dois lire tout ses livres. Pas le choix.
La liste reste ouverte.