There are moments, I think, ok, I’m doing pretty good, this day is going fine. Then for a reason, for a word, for an idea, it just crumbles. Black returns, tears knock, knots get tighter. One line, one sound, one note, I’m lost. Fuck the storm, I hate her. I just want peace in my head, no winds, no rain, no debris flying all over the place, hitting me, cutting me, making my blood pour.
I want sunshine to illuminate my soul, a gigantic gust of wind to take the shit away. I want my eyes to settle, stop jerking around. I want to feel alive in the morning, not like a fucking corpse.
One note, one word, one line, one idea turns me around. The other way would be nice too. Is there a ladder down the rabbit whole? Maybe it’s not a rabbit whole, maybe it’s dark in my head because of the blinds I left closed. Open the blinds then, no? Haaa, but see, open the blinds, then open the windows, where is this all going to end? Maybe I’ll just take a peek first.
i know that feeling only too well. it comes in frequent cycles with me and when it wants to fuck me up it does a terrific job…
Get your doctor to prescribe you some Wellbuttrin, it’s the only way to fly…
The suddenness with which it will hit, the wondering how long it will stick around or how severe it will be tortures almost as much as the rest of it.
Your word verification just called me a lzyzit.
face: so right, but I’m still hoping for some kind of control
jeliel: thanks but no thanks… that stuff scares me. fly cool, but the lows can be educating too.
stephaine: true, and you’re never quite sure if it’s gone for real or just lurking around the corner, waiting to jump at you.
WV likes me better, I’m an opgous!
hello there.
you recently visited me with some kind words and i appreciated it much.
just wanted to say hi.
my suggestion? watch American Beauty or read Krishnamurti’s the Urgency of Change. that’s what i did today anyway.
-l (oxdskzdu)
*by the way, i read a previous post, the one with a picture of your mom with you in the background (age 5, if i recall) and i wanted to say something, but i didn’t know what to say…i guess i still don’t
kono: thanks for your visit 🙂 I’ve watched A.B. many times, own it too. I will look up the book though, the excerpt you posted intrigued me. Please come by anytime 🙂