Month: January 2006

A little bliss in the gloom

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Then as it was, then again it will be
An’ though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
-Page/Plant

The sun is coming through the windows, warming the room, making her hair shimmer. Her head bowed, her face peaceful. I look at her. My eyes full of tears not meant to be seen, my love hard to contain, overflowing, going out to her.

-You are so good, really. I’m so proud of you.
-You are?
-Yes, I am. You must love this song very much, you were really into it.
-Yes I do.

She smiles, her eyes a little wet too, her cheeks flushed. Her head goes down again, and she starts Diary of a Madman.

I saw my 13 year old daughter play Ten Years Gone on the guitar this morning. I saw love. I saw a little bliss in the gloom.

Closing in

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I get up in the morning, get ready for work, already hoping the day was over. I get home, enjoy some family time , then can’t wait for everyone to go to bed. I sit at the computer, click click click for a couple of hours, then it’s all over. Then it starts all over. I breeze through the day, dealing with people I can’t stand. I breeze through the evening, dealing with people I love with all my heart but need a break from, from time to time.

I closed my eyes. I decided to not see. I can’t even blame someone else. I made a decision when confronted with my feelings and fears and mistakes and unhappiness. It’s so fucking hard not to cheat, not to take shortcuts. I don’t want to be here, but I want to live my life with them. We never made any promises, just acknowledged our malaise, our emptiness. A month later, I’m floating. Ignoring everything I forced myself to admit.

I’m strong, the one they turn to, the one who can take it. But I’m crumbling, I’m imploding, not sure about what is coming out. Unknowns, strangers emerging. I see. I can’t help but look, even though I’m sick of myself. I can’t make it out. Will it ever make sense?

I hate that feeling of helplessness. I write and all I hear is this whiny voice. I want to beat the shit out of me. Stephaine, you were right, growing up is hard.

Monsters

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It’s looming lurking checking me out. Waiting for a weak moment, a distraction. Then it’s going to hit me, showing no mercy, not a fucking care in the world.

-Who decided you deserve a break? Just because I let you feel good for a few days doesn’t mean you’ll get a whole week without me!
-I just thought
-You shouldn’t think, it doesn’t do you any good. Don’t assume anything.
-Fuck you.

There I said it. No pill’s gonna cure my ill. I’ve got a bad case of “fuckoffimtiredofthisshitimactuallytiredofmyself”.

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I’m thinking about my mom again. She’s probably around, trying to tell me something, I don’t know. I have to write about when she died. I did, once, to a friend. I also realize that I’ve been ignoring my “father issue” since she’s been gone. It’s obvious why. The past may haunt me from time to time, but he’s still here. She’s not. I know I always loved him more than her, she knew it too, but there was nothing she could do about it. And since she died there was no reason to adress that, no one to notice, no one to bring it up, no one to blame me for that. It’s bothering me now. I don’t see that in my children, not the way it was for me. It might be in their hearts, I ‘ll never know. And don’t want to.

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Still working on a new template. Found a nice one, just tweakin’ now.

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Sinister, Wimp-Abducting Nightmare Provoked by Rage

Merci du lien victor 🙂 wow, je trouve jamais ça ces liens là moi.

Mal de mer

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De quoi on parlait dĂ©jĂ ? Ah oui, la tempĂŞte… Ben, elle s’est calmĂ©e tu vois. CalmĂ©e, c’est tout. On s’entend, ça a fait des ravages.

Il y a bien ce grondement sourd, un tremblement subtil, des eaux qui ne sont toujours pas descendues. Des relents d’Ă©lectricitĂ© dans mes narines.

Je ne l’ai pas ignorĂ©e, je ne l’ai pas Ă©vitĂ©e la tempĂŞte. Elle m’a pètĂ© en pleine face. Un peu tard pour tourner le dos… Et lĂ  il y avait un radeau qui passait, et après une chaloupe. Finalement j’ai attendu le paquebot. Fuck it.

Pendant que j’attendais (mais je l’savais pas que j’attendais) j’ai vu plein de gens assis sur le toit de leur maison. Certains ont arrĂŞtĂ© d’espĂ©rer et se sont jetĂ©s Ă  l’eau. D’autres ont pris le radeau, la chaloupe. J’espère qu’ils vont bien. D’ici, la vue est pas mal.

Je garde un oeil sur le large.

On letting my guard down

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I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her room, isn’t it good, norwegian wood?
She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn’t a chair.
-Lennon/McCartney

Opening that door for me was a mistake. I came in, looked around, found the place quite comfortable. Even though there wasn’t a chair. Stark, cold, grey, wet. But still I was comfortable. There was room, air, no ceiling. Eternal night, infinite abyss of black, opened, wide, no end. Inhaled your breath, exhaled my fear. I could settle for a lot less.

You lead me to the stairs. I’m now climbing, not even reaching for the railing.

A Once In A Lifetime Production

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The past has smells, colors, temperatures, textures, sounds. This past too. With other things, other defining circumstances. It could be a great gonzo. Cause I see it from the inside too. What is it about images that causes my senses to fail, my insides to stir. It’s not a silent movie, that’s why. Odorama. THX.

Dick Magnum and Cherry Pop star in “Once is all there will ever be”. Dick walks in, grabs Cherry by the ass, lifts her onto the table. “Ohh Dick, you’re so strong!”. Cherry and Dick kiss, touch, she unzips his pants, he makes her skirt fly, her panties desintegrate, Cherry is more than ready, her pussy glistening, dripping, calling, “Fuck me baby, fuck me now!”. She gets off the table and turns around, showing Dick where to put his huge cock. Dick proceeds with no care at all and starts to fuck Cherry, hard, spanking her cheeks, pulling her hair “Yeah you like that, don’t you? What’s that? Harder? Yeah, here you go baby”, pumping, fucking sweet Cherry with all he’s got…

I didn’t say it was original.

A while ago…

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(More than a while actually, more like years) I wrote this. Doesn’t mean much, I just like the rythm.
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I want to apologize. Someone said to me once that apologizing is a sign of weakness. Still I don’t feel weaker now than I did before, and no more than I will later. But really, I want to apologize. What about you ask me? About a lot of things. But most of them don’t have anything to do with this, so let’s stick to the facts…I apologize right now, because I know that I’ll deceive you, one way or another. You’ll be doing fine, reading along, enjoying the story that’s told upon these pages, when it will hit you. Bang! You’ve been deceived. Now, I can’t pretend to know when that will happen, but rest assured, it will.

The next question to come to your mind now is probably this one: Why? Why will I deceive you? Because I can’t help myself. When everything is upsy-daisy, I’m bound to find a way to deceive even the truest believer. That being said, I feel comfortable telling you right away that you’ll read this story ’till the end, because as sure as I am that I’ll deceive you, I know that I’ll entertain you. That’s another thing about me, I’m entertaining.

Does that make me special? You tell me.

A while ago…

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(More than a while actually, more like years) I wrote this. Doesn’t mean much, I just like the rythm.
……………………………………………………………………………………..

I want to apologize. Someone said to me once that apologizing is a sign of weakness. Still I don’t feel weaker now than I did before, and no more than I will later. But really, I want to apologize. What about you ask me? About a lot of things. But most of them don’t have anything to do with this, so let’s stick to the facts…I apologize right now, because I know that I’ll deceive you, one way or another. You’ll be doing fine, reading along, enjoying the story that’s told upon these pages, when it will hit you. Bang! You’ve been deceived. Now, I can’t pretend to know when that will happen, but rest assured, it will.

The next question to come to your mind now is probably this one: Why? Why will I deceive you? Because I can’t help myself. When everything is upsy-daisy, I’m bound to find a way to deceive even the truest believer. That being said, I feel comfortable telling you right away that you’ll read this story ’till the end, because as sure as I am that I’ll deceive you, I know that I’ll entertain you. That’s another thing about me, I’m entertaining.

Does that make me special? You tell me.

Building steam with a grain of salt

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The moon rules the fluids
Including the inner juices of human beings
That which assimilates and feeds the body
So the crab feeds his astral plane
Assimilating and distributing all he receives
Slowly, until it becomes apart of you
-DJ Shadow…

Dans un cercle fermĂ©, entourĂ©e d’ouvertures inaccessibles. “What does your soul look like?”. L’attraction de la lune, plus forte que ma volontĂ©. J’ai l’âme cernĂ©e. Entrez par la sortie svp.

EXIT L’ampoule est brĂ»lĂ©e. J’me laisse aller assimiler boire respirer. J’me laisse envahir par un drĂ´le de feeling. C’est presque agrĂ©able.

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