Not the eye of the storm

There are moments, I think, ok, I’m doing pretty good, this day is going fine. Then for a reason, for a word, for an idea, it just crumbles. Black returns, tears knock, knots get tighter. One line, one sound, one note, I’m lost. Fuck the storm, I hate her. I just want peace in my head, no winds, no rain, no debris flying all over the place, hitting me, cutting me, making my blood pour.

I want sunshine to illuminate my soul, a gigantic gust of wind to take the shit away. I want my eyes to settle, stop jerking around. I want to feel alive in the morning, not like a fucking corpse.

One note, one word, one line, one idea turns me around. The other way would be nice too. Is there a ladder down the rabbit whole? Maybe it’s not a rabbit whole, maybe it’s dark in my head because of the blinds I left closed. Open the blinds then, no? Haaa, but see, open the blinds, then open the windows, where is this all going to end? Maybe I’ll just take a peek first.

It’s a beautiful day in the… NOT!

I was right, the office sucks. The biggest problem is that I love my job. I have ambition, drive, experience, a very good reputation in my field. My boss is an idiot, corrupt, has no drive and has been riding on my coattails since he hired me.

I deal with an assistant who no matter how many times I explain something will ask me about it the next day. Who instead of looking up the orders she puts in the computer will also write them down, each of them, on a piece of paper and try to trace them later. Who insists on transfering me a line when I’m already on one with 2 holding, who insists on giving me a message when I’m fucking kneeling in front of the photocopier, my hands stained with toner, torn sheets scattered on the floor.

I deal with ignorant sales reps, who think that the products they sell deliver to their customers on jet planes that burn water and that are driven by computers. They don’t understand that the freight is actually put on a trailer, pulled by a truck that burns fuel and that is driven by a human being. I asked for a phone number because the driver could not find the location, the coked up asshole went nuts, screamed for 5 minutes and finished by saying ” well, it looks like the driver is a fucking idiot anyways, all that’s left for him to do is to go and shoot himself in the head”.

I work in a business where screwing your customer is the norm, where importing exotic lumber that is bordering extinction is ok, even for customs and government agencies.

I’m a dispatcher. I love my job. It’s just going to kill me one day.

Back to life to life, back to reality

back to life
the life I’ve known
the life I’ve thought of leaving behind
the life I know I belong in, to
the life that’s always been there
the life I need
the life I have to lead

back to reality
the fucking office.