Well, some would love that… lollll, but that's not my point. My mother tongue is French. I always lived in a French environement. I have no idea why English came so naturally to me. When I was a kid, I watched tv in both languages. Sesame Street, Road Runner and Tweety Show, later the after school specials, the sitcoms and then the movies, the news… It seems that I always understood English, even before I could speak it.
In my teens, when I started to write, I did so in English. It was bad, but it made sense to me then. And when I went back to school at 22, I went to Concordia University, even if I never attended an English school before. But never before I started to write here did I think about this seriously. I never questionned the reasons why I write in English. But surely it means something.
When I have a post, the idea is born from my feelings, which become thoughts, which become words. At what point does it take a language? Because that's what happens. I don't decide. The words do. Just like they have to be put down, typed, written or said, they need to be so in their own language. But what does this say about me? Does it mean anything? I wonder about duality, about split personalities, but mostly about remoteness. Does this remove me from what I try to express? At the moment I write, no, because I feel, I'm completely immersed in the sound of my words, the rythm of my fingers, my breath held, I sway on my chair and I am gone for the moment. But after. After it's out, not when I hit publish, then view. But later, a day or so. I read my words and wonder about the woman and her torments. Then I realize they're mine.
I'm not too sure if there is a division, a schism. I am my words, as they are me. The sound they make when spoken has no importance. The way the letters are put together, arranged has no importance. What they mean to me is all that matters. For the rest of you, well, there's always babel fish!
Hé, c’est à Concordia que j’étudie, moi aussi. 🙂
Quand j’ai commencé à écrire sur l’internet, c’était sur OpenDiary, qui est une communauté anglophone… c’est pour ça que j’écrivais en anglais… et je crois que j’ai pris l’habitude de parler de mes problèmes en anglais en grande partie parce que ça me donne une impression de détachement. Mais quand on parle plus d’une langue, on ne choisit pas dans quelle langue les mots nous viennent : ils nous viennent, tout simplement.
Two tongues….HAH! that was funny:)
I like the fact that you write in both French and English, but to hear your thought processes behind it in this entry was very interesting. Especially the part about thoughts transforming into language. Good points.
Chris
quartz said it all “on ne choisit pas dans quelle langue les mots nous viennent: ils nous viennent, tout simplement”.
In which language do you dream?
quartz: j’ai adoré Concordia 🙂 j’avais des cours sur les deux campus, deux ambiances totallement différentes. et j’étudiais en traduction… 😉 pour la langue c’est tout à fait vrai. c’est pour ça que j’aimerais en apprendre de nouvelles. je suis curieuse de voir comment je les utiliserais.
chris: thank you. I almost took off in a different direction there, I feel there’s more content on that issue, about the process… probably more to come. you always seem to trigger things, thank you 🙂
crunchy: good question… never thought about that. French, I think. although now I’ll pay attention. and I’ll let you know 🙂
how about you?
how about my bilingual friends here?
Loved your text.
I dream in French, most probably because I was raised in French and only started mastering English at age 13, in school. But I do, however, sometimes dream of strangers who adress me in English.