Going through the motions. Every day looking like its predecessor. It's highly possible that the next will join the ranks. And as I drag my lazy ass from today to tomorrow, I am amazed at how easy it is to do, say or feel absolutely nothing. To not think. And the deeper I fall into this state, the worst I feel. On one hand I tell myself, it's ok, take break, just drop everything and float. Follow the line. On the other, I feel guilty, lazy and small. For falling asleep again.
The I-shoulds that I used to turn into I-dids are now becoming fuck-its. Any attempt to focus is killed by shut-ups and don't-think-about-its. The wind has died. The drive is gone. But it was all fabricated. Rested on artifice. Conditions. Compromises. Another kind of sleep.
I am confronted once again with a stranger. Two people lived side by side, one watching the other die. The dead is haunting me. The living is hiding in shame. Will I go for the trinity? As the third player is poking her head out, I'm starting to feel jilted by my own mind.
I should go on a trip, far away. Let them fight it over. I was about to write, I'm so tired. Then I realized, what the fuck am I a tried of? I do nothing. I let everything slip, slide, go. I don't try to grasp. I don't try to hold. Tired of what? I'm actually afraid, that's what I think. Afraid of seeing my mind go. Of never being able to recover what I started. The beautiful that I bred. The wonderful that was showing signs of blooming.
Afraid that I am not worth all this. That I'm being selfish for trying to be a better me. All this time spent in my mind, to clean it up, to understand it better, is surely too egocentric. I don't deserve that amount of time and effort. I can get by on sitcoms and crappy softcovers.
It's just too easy like this. And too hard for the rest. But there is always a catch for taking the easy way out. And I can see it. So I need to stay awake. Eyes opened. No caffeine this time, no Rockstar, no Monster. No fake help. Poke me once in a while will ya?
A day to turn page of…A sunshine day qu’on veux blind of kekchose d’écrit dessus ?…Juste une autre journée sang. Comme déjà se tourne des milliers de pages. Sometimes sont plus lourdes que d’autres…
Who Know’s ?
Je suis faible, je suis coupable, je suis oasis et capture à la fois. Je suis forte d’être mère de 3 Kids, je suis faible d’être grande ouverte devant Lui. Seigneur de mes limbes à peaux-strophes.
Tu es forte chérie! Forte de tes mots en délivrances pénitences. Tu es en écrit devant mes yeux et je suis en fière vagabonde dans ton esprit exposé en témoignage des pas que tu fais.
The drive is gone ?
So Keep hang on …
On es dans l’wagon nous itou !!!
Bizou xxx
c’est cool de savoir que je suis pas toute seule à regarder le streering pis me demander quoi faire avec. c’est une escapade temporaire des merdes de la vie. qui fini par se transformer en plage permanente. les mots les lettres dans les vagues. on surfe, on cale, on nage. les bouées, le phare, les kids.
merci beaucoup. y a toujours de la place sur le banc d’en avant. 🙂 x
poke.
’bout time.