Month: October 2006

Weekly offering

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Yes,all to:

L'écume des blogues

Now!!! 

—oOSOo—

I just didn't want to to this tonight. Didn't have the energy. Inspiration is always there though, at the tip of your words.

—oOSOo—

As I think about what I've been writing here since the beginning, the changes, the stories, fictional and not so fictional, I realize that everything was a premise for what is to come. A kind of rain check on the inevitable, a silent yet violent therapy.

I haven't lived my life through my blog, rather, I lived because of it. Or resuscitated. Which ever it is, nothing else could've prepared me better. Will I ever be ready is another question. I guess not. Never.

I'm feeling the physical effects of the extreme emotional stress I've been under and it scares me. That alone should be enough warning. 

Also, denying myself of all the love I need to give and receive has made me a very bitter and angry person, and I don't like to hang around too long in my head these days. I miss that.

Despite what everyone has been telling me, I still cannot convince myself that I deserve, that I am worthy, that I am allowed. To. Anything.

It would be easy to blame. To point fingers. But I refuse to do that. In the process though, I have to fucking stop scourging myself. And just move on. Move the fuck on.

The ground has never been shakier. Yet, I'm willing to make one more step. And another one. And another one. 

 

Fear

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Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
-James Thurber

 

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Frank Herbert (from Dune)

 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Talking to you from the other side of a wall in my mind
And it's clear that you're near to me
I think I found a way to understand why I couldn't see what was happening
The fear overcame me
Took a trip on the inside, I took a trip on the inside
–Anathema / (Breaking over the) Barriers 

 

 

J’ai vu mon nom…

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Là où un autre aurait dû être?

Mon nom. De derrière la page.

Et c'est moi, encore plus. 

Dans le coin d'une photo. Un oeil. Une bouche.

Un nom. 

Sur une page.

Sur d'autres, mon autre. 

Ailleurs, encore un autre.

De combien en ai-je besoin?

Le mien dans la réalité projetée sur écran.

Elle vient de s'échouer dans mes yeux.

Une addition qui en fait est une division qui s'est résolue.

J'en ai jamais eu qu'un seul.

 

 

Fell

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The night has fallen.

Suns died. 

The knight has fallen.

Sons cried.

All around the smell of standing still for lives that never came.

Only dust the herald of hollow memories. 

 

 

 

À ne pas oublier

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Note to self:

 

J'ai 35 ans.

J'peux-tu rêver ciboire?

J'ai tu encore le temps?

Mais surtout, j'ai tu le droit?

 

Qu'est-ce que ça m'prend pour pas oublier que la réponse c'est OUI? 

Pour pas me fondre dans le décor pis attendre attendre attendre espérer penser que être plus forte que piler dessus conformer demander? 

Je veux respirer. Je veux rêver. 

 

Des mains sur mon visage.

Je veux pas crever sans jamais sentir des mains sur mon visage, des yeux plantés dans les miens.

Je l'prend le droit.

Je. Le prend. 

FYI

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Quickly

First: If you get lost in here, check in the sidebar…Under the Pages, right above the Categories… A tiny link to the main page. Why? Because I have no time to learn CSS and fix this properly, and that's the best temporary solution I found… Eventually, I promise. That and the ugly links in IE. And the cutoff letters in the post titles in FF… I have to stop here cause I'll go on and on.

Second: I've updated my feeds in Bloglines and decided to make my profile public, the whole thing, except for blogs that I'm trying out (you don't even want to know how many there are in that folder…) I can't possibly link all the blogs I read here. And soon I will clean them up and update them. My Bloglines links will always be available though.

http://www.bloglines.com/public/swanpr (Link in the side bar as well)

I know, I know, there's a lot. I know, I don't comment. But I READ, believe me. 

Quand je dis que je bouffe les mots, quand je dis que j'en ai jamais assez…  

PS: I'm open to suggestions, for English blogs (poetry, short stories, prose, thoughts, well, you know…) Looking for new reads.

Drawn maps

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I would like to forget. Forget when, why.  Forget who I've become. The paths I've taken. But these paths, these choices are forever sculpted in my flesh. Not really a burden, as they bear no weight. Rather a basso-rilievo, a map drawn on crumpled paper. No way to forget. Only to look back and understand. Try to.

There is no big red arrow telling me "you are here", but I have a good idea of where I'm standing. It's the now that bothers me. The then is where it belongs, in the past. The now doesn't take me anywhere, it grounds me. Why is it that we always either look back or ahead? Why is it that the now get so little of our attention? 

Often I will say "we always have a choice". And even though I believe this to be absolutely true, I've come to despise its meaning. It's not about regret for making a certain choice. It's about looking back and seeing how these choices lead me here. It's not about the big one, the one at the end of a long road, but about the smaller ones, the many that we face and make in a split second. The ones we think inconsequential.

Hindsight is a bitch.

 

Mainmise

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Quand j'étais petite, mon monde c'était la musique, les pochettes de disques, les livres et les revues. Tout était à ma portée. Dans cette dernière catégorie, outre le Hara-Kiri (qui me terrifiait mais que je lisais tout de même de la première à la dernière page), le Mainmise est le magazine qui m'a le plus marquée.

Le premier souvenir que j'ai, le plus fort, je me vois, étendue par terre dans le salon chez G. où nous sommes en visite ma mère et moi, un tout petit salon les murs couverts de livres jusqu'à plafond. Jusqu'au plafond! La tête sur des coussins. Ça jase dans la cuisine… Le format est drôle, comme les J'aiLu (ils ont l'air plates les J'aiLu… pourtant tout le monde en a) Les pages sont épaisses, jaunes. Et je suis… déviergée? J'avais huit ans et j'en ai pris quatre d'une shot. Devenue ado le temps de lire 10 pages. C'était une bd de Crumb: Désirée Kaminski "La Droyée" dans J'crisse le camp! 

J'ai vu ma vie dans ça. J'ai tout appris. Que prendre de la droille c'est l'fun, que les vieux pervers y en a partout (les mononcles aux mains longues, les chums affectueux et les caves qui se crossent dans leur char en te demandant c'est où la rue Fleury). Comment se passe un examen gynécologique et ça m'a aussi enlevé tout le brouillard qu'il restait dans ma tête entourant le sexe.

Je viens de relire le Best of Crumb (Les Comix de Mainmise) et les deux seuls numéros que j'ai.  À la recherche d'info sur les auteurs et illustrateurs j'ai vu qu'il y a un site consacré à Mainmise! Malheureusement il n'est pas à jour et un seul numéro à été scanné et mis en ligne. Ça vaut quand même la peine d'aller jeter un coup d'oeil.

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