not. a lot. much.

I'm in a nolifeland. I feel as though I don't exist, at this very moment. Invisible, unreal. I cannot even say lost or floating or… anything, since I am not real. I don't occupy any space tangible.

I'm supposed to be somewhere that doesn't exist yet. I'm here where I've been gone from. I'm a ghost in my own life. An ex me. A used to be me. Living, smiling, working, cleaning, fucking… Dreaming. Too much.

Consciously I've severed ties that had no reasons to be anymore. What I didn't expect was the wait. I thought. I thought I was setting myself free, when in fact I just built the meanest prison I've ever known, I've ever lived in.

I was counting the days. I am now counting the realities. The fears. I have to stay for now, I have to do my time, eat the bread, mop the floors. I hear the keys tingling, hanging from his belt.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of myself. Of time eluding me, having nothing to offer me but more waiting. And as the days pass, I start to question the reality of what I've done. What if it was only in my head, what if I never really said what I said, what if by staying I am erasing the very real moment I've created and taken charge of and made happen?

But I know… I know it's only right now all this. My life has never been this temporary. And I've seen… what it can be. What it WILL be. From the top yes, I've seen. It's burned in my memory. And regardless of how shitty I feel right now, I KNOW.

It was real. It has happened. And when the time comes, I'll be ready.

In the mean time, let's get the crappy decorations up and pretend for a little longer shall we?