Something’s wrong.
Wallowing in big fat patches of bliss, something happened while I wasn’t looking.
Must have been a leak of some kind.
I lost my anger. And that’s not good. That’s part of who I am. I feel like a soft blob floating around, not really important, not really interested in anything, not really caring for anything.
I’m scared I’ve lost it for good. What really defined my personality is diluted. I had drive. I had an edge. Being angry all the time is not healthy, granted. But never being angry cannot seriously be better.
Strangely, I’m living happy times. Yet I find myself walking towards the well once again. The pull is getting stronger.
Maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t know. I just know that I long for an angry moment. Is it the comfort of a familiar state of mind that I miss? Don’t think so. I know, I feel that this is a walk towards balance. How could it not be? I don’t feel complete. No more than I did before. I’m just at the other spectrum of who I can be. I like the softer, happier me. But still, it’s not the whole me.
Not long ago I said I didn’t want to go on another introspective journey. That I’ve had enough for a while. At that time it was true.
I think I just reached the end of that one. Time to move on. Time, once again, to step off the path.
Love the new theme.
For the first 21 years of my life I had a purpose. That purpose was to piss off that motherfucker of a father I had. Nothing gave me greater pleasure than to piss that lying monstrous no good back stabbing son of a bitch. I derived such satisfaction seeing his pressure rise, his bloodshot eyes, his fists wanting to swing at me, knowing he couldn’t win this fight if he tried.
Then the fucker up and died on me
What the fuck was I gonna do?
Where was I gonna focus all my hatred, all my anger?
I was alone
Isolated
Dejected
Then I took out all my anger on everyone else for a few years
Eventually that doesn’t work out either.
Then you let go of your friend, like a high school friend you know you’ll never see again because you know the relationship has run its course, its just over, time to move on.
You learn to fill it with something else…
It takes time…
It takes focus…
These days I’m angry a lot, because of my job, my in less than 10 days I’ll be happy again, it’ll be over. I’ll be re-focusing on something else.
Work on it… don’t look for anger. It finds us all very easily.
yes, the theme is looking good. lots of kinks to iron out, but there are a few tutorials I have to go have a look at to fix the problems. I was looking for an original layout, more than graphics. jsbox really put everything in this one. although I really liked milo’s themes (http://peety-passion.com/milo go have a look, its worth it, the work is fantastic!), but the colors were a bit extreme for what I was looking for.
I understand what you’re saying. I’ve lost focus totally. although I am happy, I am not content. I guess I feel like I was on antideps. no highs, no lows. everything is foggy. although the kind of anger you refer to is obviously negative, I wonder if there isn’t a part of being angry that serves a purpose, that drives us. and having focus, you could direct that drive in the right direction. I did let go of a few things, like the relationship, and my negative feelings towards my mother (that I was feeding on, even though she has been dead for 7 years), anger towards who she was, but also fears of becoming like her.
and these are places, feelings, I definitely do not want to revisit again. I’m done, thank you very much! but my focus was there. now that I’m done, I’m kinda lost I guess. time and focus. lets see how that works.
as always, your comments and input are always insightful and inspiring. thank you very much 🙂
Un autre truc qui fait réfléchir…