When you kiss the base o’my spine
Make my body into your shrine
You give me this feeling deep inside
One that I can no longer disguise
While other snakes just shed their skins
Fucked holes pointing out my sins
Even though I realise that history’s not on my side
Even though I realise the pioneer skin still curls up in my eyes
If I don’t go crazy, I’ll lose my mind
I saw a life before me but now I’m blind
I wanna go to heaven, never been there before
I wanna go to heaven, so you give me some more
-Death in Vegas
Rising from ashes scattered already
I am not lost, just looking for a destination
I want to go there
I want to go where you saw it
What did you see anyway?
Not saying, not telling
Well, I’m on my way
I’ll be there. To see.
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It’s been occuring more and more. I find more meaning in other people’s words than in mine. It frustrates me and inspires me at the same time. Sometimes I feel like all has been said, then I realize that what I have to say, write, cannot come from someone else, therefore can not have been told. I’m exploring other words, other rythms. In my head. Now I have to give them life.
Writing is becoming an art. Again. After all these years. First here now. Journal. Now here something else. I love it, but I’m afraid. Of what I can write. And what I can’t write. That may be why I’m paying more attention to lyrics, stories, written by other people.
I need to write. That I know. Sometimes I don’t write, I don’t post, but the words are all there. Knocking, tearing, pushing. I’m holding back, but what? At other times I write like mad. Unsent letters. And I know it’s good. But why is it easier to delete than send or post?
I have a hand-written journal. I carry it everywhere with me. Sometimes I write furiously and others just a sentence. But in it, I am free.
Sometimes I write 8 pages in my journal, others barely a paragraph. I don’t know what controls the flow.
I agree that it is hard to be original; however I look at it this way. Something may have already been said by someone else, before me, but those words haven’t been said by me yet.
Great entry!
Chris
My Most Recent Entry 2/06/06
I know what you fear, it holds my tounge as well. Just remember, if you break through the wall someday and regret it, you can hit the delete button.
stephaine: yes, that’s what I’m looking for I guess, the freedom.
chris: I can’t even imagine writing that much! that and your blog… you are a machine 😉 thank you.
moonwart: you’re right. but I don’t want to regret. I want to totally accept what I write. because when it comes out, it’s true.