There was this time when I walked into a room and felt immediately at home. Regardless of the squalor. The buzzing of a million flies. The stench. I knew where the good spot on the sofa was.
I'm still sitting there. Transfixed by the decay I've let happen. Everything is so old now, it has dried. No more flies. No more smell. They've cut the power. The window is opened, a light breeze is moving the dried shit around, not quite strong enough to do any real change. And I still sit.
Maybe tomorrow, I think. Maybe tonight. I mean, so far, it has served me right. In the sense that nothing has happened. Nothing good, but nothing bad either. How can it get worst? As I swing my feet, making circles in the dust, inhaling my bad memories and regrets, I understand that I'm wrong. That my thinking is paralyzed by fear and cowardness. That all this non-action will never kick me in the butt, but rather sooth me back into a coma I once left.
When it's dirty, when it stinks, when I'm close to throwing up, when my gut is turning into a bottomless pit of pain, when my spit tastes like acid, why is it easier to accept than a single moment of happiness? How much can I take? A whole fucking lot. I know. That must be the ultimate bet. What are my odds? Well, I'd be a fucking goldmine in Vegas right now.
This post was inspired by Moonwart's Soup Opera. If you haven't done so, go read it, and the rest of his blog. Now.
You are going to make me have to step up my game. I like how you picked up where I left off.
it would not have been, without yours. no need to step up, you’re already there. thank you 🙂
when one wakes up with the freshness of the dream that was, tasting, feeling, wanting and longing for what was, knowing that the feeling was real, was tangible, and right there in my face, realising the feeling is raw, exposed and surreal…i don’t want to wake up, I want to live that dream, I want to be that dream. It hurts not being there…
Wow, brilliant stuff here. Very sharp and pungent.
Chris
My Blog
Why is it easier to accept than a single moment of happiness?
‘cus if you accept a moment of happiness, it means that you let your guards down… It means that you accept to be part of this disgusting world, this world full of perversity, full of shit. It means that you lose your uniqueness… that you stop being so fucking special.
I cried when I read your words… Because not so long ago I left the comfort of my good spot on the sofa… I had to take the weight of the world off of my shoulders and leave it for someone else to carry.
Something pulled me out of there…
For the better…
But for a minute there, I missed my stinky comfort…
You write beautiful things!
carmo: the proximity, between dream and impossible, is hard to take. but still, there is hope that the distance between the two is real. thus making one of them attainable.
chris: I can’t say how much I value your comments. Thank you for reading, for your kind words. They are important to me.
Martin: Wow. This hits closer to home than I’d like to admit. You are so right. And that sucks 🙂
Thank you for your honesty. Being touched by comments such as yours makes my writing worth while, and makes this a wonderful learning experience for me. But more importantly makes me realize that beneath our smiles lies deeper thoughts. And that they are ok, they are part of our quest for a better life.
I’ve yet to comment on your blog. But I will soon. I read the entries. Lots of stuff there. I really like it. Thank you very much for your visit. Please come back anytime.
“Tel un cygne gracieux, Swan (ok elle était facile celle-là !!!!) déploye ses ailes majestueuses. C’est dans le reflet de celles-ci et dans ses commentaires que je vois la lumière… Rougir parfois elle me fait, de ses récits… hummm… expérimentés…”
Le numérologue sur Horizon
You know… Ever since that song (Lucky from Radiohead) was playing on your page when you posted that “Place your bets” article I can’t go trough a day without listening to it a couple of times… Can you pull me out?…
oui, c’est une de ces tounes qui a du “pull” 🙂