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In the next few days, I will make some changes. First in my personal life. My line of questioning lately has been directly linked to my leading a double life. I do not want this anymore. I want my writting here and my reading you to be known but mostly accepted.
I will not change how I write. I will not avoid matters. I will not impose censorship on myself. I will not hide my love for you, who come here and who I visit and read and admire.
But by pushing L. away from here, I also denied him of a part of me. Denied myself of enjoying this experience to its fullest. And the more I thought about all this, the less hiding this made sense.
L. was devastated when he read my blog. The last time he was here was in early January. Since then things have changed, stalled, moved, stalled. Overall though what I realize is that if I want to grow, to reach some kind of peace within myself, I have to let him back in, if he wants to.
Let him back in here and also introduce him to my life here, to my friends, to the things I love, the things that fascinate me. To share.
When he read what I wrote, he asked me if anyone we knew was also reading. Because there is so much personal stuff here. It was not the case. But now I’ve made some friends.
So. Very soon, maybe this week or the next, I will start a new blog. As a peace offering. As proof of my good faith that I want him to be part of my passions, my pleasures. Same name, only a different address. I will never, ever let go of what is here.
I’m scared. But I know that it has to be done. Whatever happens happens. I know that the outcome will be worth it.
-o0OSO0s-
That being said. Which platform? Should I pay for hosting or just use the platform’s service? WordPress? Platform27?
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Ah… When the virtual collides with reality. It can get complicated. I’m a pretty manic kind of person, so when I write I become so autistic and self-absorbed, the thought that anyone in the real-time world might stumble across any of my shit doesn’t even occur to me. But lately I’ve begun to wonder… What if this loses me my job? Could past incidents or manic explosions of personality fuck up my career? These are the questions that sometimes cross my mind. I have a friend at the moment who’s opened a blog at MySpace, he convinced me to open one there, but I only did it so I can read his work, he’s quite brilliant… But it gives you the option to hide your writing if you want to, or alternatively just invite Friends only. I know… MySpace is a whore’s meat market, but you can choose to have as many or as few friends on your list as you like. I must be the only MySpace member who has only one ‘Friend’ on their list – but I intend to keep it that way, because social interaction and popularity contests are definitely NOT my kind of thing. Shit. I should have emailed you instead. Sorry for ranting on and sucking up so much bandwidth and space, feel free to delete this manic piece of shit once you’ve read it. Good for you to staying real. 🙂
error404 is right, on myspace, you can chose who can read your stuff.
Whatever you choses, I hope to be a part (even a tiny one) of your daily life. I only want to continue on knowing how you’re feeling.
I have a webhosting company if you ar einterested, the plans I sell come with WordPress. lemme know if you are interested. My blog is wordpress powered and I love the inteface.
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Oh hell, please don’t go for some platform like myspace or xanga.
Your blog is very mature, this in the way of ‘means alot’ and doesn’t need the ‘possible myspace/xanga/friendster/similar service audience’.
Stay at blogger, go to wordpress.com if you don’t put any value on having no plug-in and theme freedom, or use a stand-alone WP or Expression Engine version.
Being scared is good, it means you will learn something new about yourself within that moment. I’m thrilled when I feel a new fear, like what I’m living right now.
It’s scary, but it’s right.
We can’t indefinitely divide ourselves into different characters because we are whole beings.
I have an anonymous blog that I redesigned a little over a year ago when I came to realize that there was a lot more to me than what I discussed on that blog. I almost made it public – I didn’t because I realized it would be selfish to subject the people I love to the very, very harsh stuff that went on there. However, I decided I was going to be 100% me on my public blog and not care who read it.
Sometimes people have a hard time dealing with this. But it’s worth it. Good luck. 🙂
error404: ugh myspace… I have one too, only to comment on other people’s space. but I can’t stand the place! I agree about the loss of contact with reality when writing… and as I said, it’s not a matter of changing things or what I write about, but just to let him know that this is what I do and I love it. don’t be sorry, you’re welcome to rant here as much as you like! thanks.
bibi: you’ll always be welcome, anywhere I end up! I’m not going into hiding. I’m not even going to start posting pictures of my family or saying my real name!!! nothing will change. only the space. a somewhat clean slate.
jeliel: thanks for the offer! I love WP too, just starting to play with it. I’ll let you know what I decide soon.
madbull: hell no!!! lolll. thank you very much for the comment, it means a lot. as I said, nothing will change.
j-julie: you’re right. as with all emotions, we must learn from them and apreciate what they bring us.
quartz: thanks. I agree that it will be worth it. I’m will be going “public” to only one person. I hope he will follow me in this adventure.