Fucked. In trouble. Under pressure. Tired. Disturbed. Lost. Used. Starved.
However, I realize that these states are mostly self inflicted. I haven't eaten since noon today. I went to bed at 3am last night, even though I have to get up at 6.45 every morning. I wait till the last minute to take care of things. I dance on the edge of irresponsibility.
I walk up to my thoughts and confront them every day. I'm not afraid. Only, am I overthinking? Question everything, bla bla bla. What good is it, what does it bring me other than doubt? Other than the constant fucking nagging of my better judgement? I choose to get eaten. I choose to ignore. I choose to jump. But not without thinking. And that is what makes it harder to accept.
Granted, some things I decided to be blind about. But most of my bad decisions and bouts of self hatred I welcome, I expect, I will. Consciously. Why do I choose to hurt myself? I cannot believe that 35 years have gone, and I still have so little respect for myself. So little love.
But.
All that thinking also brings out good stuff. I'm feeling better today than I have in months. It started a little while ago, and every step I make, I know I'm moving ahead.
Allowing myself pleasure in moments. Letting go of very heavy baggage. Expressing my thoughts out loud. Being. Like I've always wanted to be, whole, together. I'm not even half way there. But the mileage is permanent.
Making a conscious effort to live by what I think about. Not believe, not my convictions. I don't think I have any, or so little. Whether it's socially acceptable or not. What does that mean anyway? What one deems acceptable might be objectionable to another.
Out of 50 bad moves, I made 5 good ones today. Aiming for 6 tomorrow. And still manage to have a little fun while being bad.
“Being bad feels good huh?” – Bender (Breakfast Club)
mmm just had a RUSH flashback….
Where would you rather be?
Anywhere but here
When will the time be right?
Anytime but now
On the edge of sleep,
I was driting for half the night
Anxious and restless,
Pressed down by the darkness
Bound up and wound up so tight
So many decisions, a million revisions
Caught between and light…
Wilderness of mirrors
World of polished steel
Gears and iron chains
Turn the grinding wheel
I run between the shadows
Some are phantoms, some are real
Where would you rather be?
Anywhere but here
When will the time be right?
Anytime but now
The doubt and the fear
I know would all disappear
Anywhere but here
On the edge of sleep,
I heard voices behind the door
The known and the nameless,
Familiar and faceless
My angels and my demons at war
Which one will lose — depends on what i choose
Or maybe which voice i ignore…
Wilderness of mirrors
Streets of cold desire
My precious sense of honor
Just a shield of rusty wire
I hold against the chaos —
And the cross of holy fire
Wilderness of mirrors
So easy to deceive
My precious sense of rightness
Is sometimes so naive
So that which i imagine
Is that which i believe
On the edge of sleep, i awoke to a sun so bright
Rested and fearless, cheered by your nearness
I knew which direction was right
The case had been tried by the jury inside
The choice between darkness and light…
Vraiment intéressant ce texte. Quelle lucidité tranquile et paisible flottant au-dessus de l’orage !
Oui, il fait bon se retrouver dans l’oeil du cyclone.
Bah. I know. J’ai aussi 35 ans. Je joue à l’autruche sometimes pour étirer les moments de peau-à-peau. Les moments d’oasis. Ce qui rends léger le coeur d’une maman. C’qui me rends more eazy à vivre les hard intempéries. Les jours sangs.
So.
Have a nice day. (je sai pas si j’ai bien compris tout. Je suis pas trop bonne en anglais. Mais c’est mon feeling par rapport à ce que j’ai pu bien comprendre!
Sea you xx
Dave: thanks for the lyrics. always to the point. you rock! and yes, it does 😉
Perrasiste resiste: belle typo… on s’attache à son cyclone. le beau fixe, c’est fucking plate.
F: peaux et oasissss. t’as bien saisi. c’est du dialecte d’hormones trentenaire. merci, toi si :)x
I do have to say, this is upbeat…underneath and inbetween!
Love the fact(the motion) that you took it and observed the good!
We too frequently forget all of the good and focus on the bad…Seeking and pondering when all the good slips away!
BRAVO!
aoutch, aoutch et aoutch… Je commence aussi à sentir qques rayons à travers la grisaille.
jodi: thank you. it is a hard process. and I love the gloom, so it is a breakthrough in itself.
j-julie: good for you. faut pas avoir peur. bon retour 🙂
This isn’t negative, because you pulled it out on the last line, going for 6 tomorrow.
You seem so smart and deep, that it is hard to believe you don’t have a great self esteem. Until I remember that I have heard so many people say the exact same thing to me.
Chris
My Blog
chris: is it doubt that breeds thought, or the other way around? we think alot you and I. we question, and try to make ourselves better. part of my line of thinking here is that I have to accept my weaker and wilder sides and understand that these do not make me a bad person.