One thing I know I have acquired with time, writing on this blog, and meeting wonderful people, is courage. Courage to accept my needs, to be who I want to be, to express my true feelings.
Courage to stop hiding my weaknesses. It's easy for me not to judge people, but predictably I'm the most cruel judge of myself. And this is why it took me so long to be where I'm at right now. Who I am, as a whole, is perfectly presentable, functional in society, productive in the work place. It's the bits and pieces, the strays… So well hidden, but at some point, it was bound to crumble, the nice image, the character I thought I had to be. Not exactly playing a part, but not being totally true either. Real life reality tv.
If I have made one mistake, a real one, it's to have silenced and killed my emotions, hidden my feelings, my humanity, from my children. Anguish, anxiety, pain, sadness, love. Not to show when I am moved, troubled. And I look at them, and see them struggling to do the same, and to a certain degree, they succeed. I cannot say I am ashamed, because I didn't really know what I was doing. But I am sad. So fucking sad. I just hope it's not too late.
Six weeks ago I had built up enough courage to tell him it was over. Tell him I am leaving soon. I had been thinking about it for years… years. Never again in my life will I let things go this far because of fear and lack of courage. But there is still more where it came from. Courage. I intend to use it.
Courage to let love, happiness, peace touch me. Things I never really believed I deserved. Weather I get to experience them or not in the future, my future life, at least I will have given myself the chance. I jumped… Not to a certain death, as I though I was, but to a certain life. Courage I have found in you, that come to read here, and you that I read. I want to live man, just live and stop always being so fucking afraid. Whatever I think I lack, whatever I think I am not, whatever I think I can't do… Whatever happens… I have this. Courage.
WOHOOOO!
YES, FUCKIN YES!
Raises you up to the blinding light of the sun…
The courage to overcome one’s doubts. What a beautiful victory!
The road is fucking hard, but at least it leads to a chance of hapinness. More that can be said of the hell left behind.
‘Never again…’ my vow as well. Good luck, little sister
valentia: you cheered me up there 🙂 let this be a collective fucking pat on the back. thanks x
Dave: still not too hot.. surprising isn’t it? well, I am anyways. you’ve been there before…? maybe the secret lies in the speed at which we ascend? oh well, here is a topic for a whole new post!
pourquoi moi?: I always tend not to use the word never. too… definite? it also negates possibilities, which pretty much goes against what I’ve been trying to open myself up to. but I agree that there are exceptions. hopefully this is one of them, where never is used to move ahead, not close doors. thanx, and good luck to you too.
Once you realize this, once you decide it, the only fear you have left is to lose it.
But once you have it, to lose it would be unpredictable, and very not likely to happen.
Isn’t it a relief?
so true. probably the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. and such a tool 🙂 (bon retour en retard!)