So so so alive

I don't even remember how I discovered blogs. Really, I have no recollection whatsoever. Only that I started mine very tentatively, a few entries here and there. And well, I guess the fire caught and it became an almost daily thing for me. It was never an obligation to write. I don't sit here wondering what to write, or thinking I should write something. It is true that I write in the negation of the reader. Not denial, never. But when acknowledged, you my readers inspire nothing but love. I must say however that here is not a place created for you, a place where I try to please or entertain you. I come first. That you have decided this place was worth your time, that what you read you can relate to, is for me like and extra blanket on a very cold night.

I didn't even think through the title and the URl. But with time I realize I couldn't have found a more accurate address or blog name. Aspinelesslaugh, taken from Exit music (for a film) by Radiohead is a song that I listened to nonstop in January 2000 when my best friend killed herself. Driving to the funeral I popped OK Computer in the tape player, and from that day, it has haunted me. 

Socrates' citation I had come across while reading about self-knowledge and the illusions we perceive as reality when reflecting upon our responsibilities as individuals. I've always been conscious that there was more to me, to my life, than what I was working so hard to achieve as a person. Being able to deconstruct my own perception of who I am, and deal with whatever I discovered, even if it was to be negative. And yet again, the word negative only applies in the perception of others…

I'm not a whatif kind of person. No whatifs about my past, no whatifs about my future. The past is gone. Not quite buried yet, but dealt with more and more every day. The future… well, the future is made of everything I want to put in it. There is no can't in it either. I've always lived in a way that assured me that there would only be one person to blame for anything I had regrets about. I just can't blame others. I can't. I believe everyone has it in them to make their life better. It may take time, there might be pain, and loss, and hurt. And lessons learned. But at the end of the day, if you have to close your eyes and go to sleep blaming someone else for your woes, then you need to take a closer look at yourself.

And that might hurt more than anything else.

I wrote about crossroads a little over a year ago. I already knew, could express it. But only today can I actually live it. I had all the tools, just needed a little time to figure things out. And so many other posts from my first months, that really were showing me the way. But I was still blind. I just had to go through everything. Had to live this last year here, this way. For weeks now I've been telling the same stories, through different words, sentences, arrangements. And I really feel that this blog would've died with me had I not finally moved on. It's that simple. Life or death. And it wasn't the gun to my head that scared me the most. It was the realization that I was all thought out. That there was nowhere left for me to go but forward. Or die.

I am alive. Alive. I fucking chose to live, and nothing now will change that. Especially not fear. Fuck her. I can even say, right now, this instant, I am happy. Happy. And being scared of saying it, writing it will not stop me. And the dark days ahead I will embrace as warmly as the bright ones. For they will only remind me that I chose life.