Everyday Swan

Fickle fickle

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I’m at work. The fact that I can be here and do this, and read blogs and read GNN.TV and chat with friends, work a total of 35 hours in my week, and be very well paid bothers me. I rarely keep a job for more than 2 years. After the novelty has gone, and people show their real (stinking lying) face, I leave. Or another company grabs me.

Fuck security, fuck the pension plan, fuck the insurance coverage. I hate it here. The WOMEN… and my boss too. I was promised a bunch of things when they hired me. Nothing has happened, and that irritates me. But for everything that is going on here, the one thing that I can’t stand anymore is the people. The rest I could deal with. And I don’t think it’s worth fighting in this case. I’m the one who doesn’t fit in. And I can live with that.

So starting today I will start looking. No haste. It might take a few days, weeks, months, it’s ok. I don’t care, as long as I know that I won’t stay here. Some people have been working here for more than 20 years. I don’t understand that. 20 years??? There’s this woman, all she does all day is to take off staples from stacks of papers and run the papers through a scanner, and re-staple the stack. 8 hours a day, for 4 years now. Can you imagine this? I can’t. I’d be dead inside.

I could go on and on, but at this point I even bore myself with all this shit. At least it’s Friday.

Commenting comments

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I suck at commenting on your blog. I know. And that’s when I do post a comment. And when I do, it’s mostly because I want to you to know I’m here, I’m reading you, I still come around, if that means anything to you. It does to me. I lurk, and you welcome me. You lurk, and I welcome you. No comments necessary nor expected.

I travel all around the world, across continents, or just a few miles, walk into your house, your space, and I really appreciate you letting me in. And commenting is my way of saying thank you. But I know my comments suck. Sometimes after reading a post, I need to reflect on it. At other times it just makes me smile, or cry. And still at other times I feel all has been said and what more could I add, except something like “I agree, you’re right, that was great, thank you…”

Everything I tell you is true. I just wish it sounded better, made me look smarter, translated everything I thought about your post. About your post, not you personally. We’re only on a nickname basis afterall.

So this is my appology. For my empty comments. I just wanted you to know that I meant a lot more. I meant to praise, console, revere, sympathise, share a laugh, differ on an opinion, be thankful for the experiences you’ve shared with me.

She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny…

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I walked in the store, my mind made up. I want a bikini. I’m done hiding, being ashamed. I love my body, it’s the others that don’t. Some of them anyways. You know the kind. The kind that thinks that skin is always smooth, that hair doesn’t grow back, that nipples should be tiny, that boobs shouldn’t sag, that bellies should wear a six pack at all times. Fuck ’em.

I’ve been hiding, camouflaging, avoiding. I walked in the store today thinking about all this. The fact is, I never really looked at my body. Then I lost all that weight. And now I can’t stop looking touching feeling. It’s not perfect, and as a matter of fact, some parts of me I liked better with the weight on. Nevertheless, I chose today to live a little.

I walked in the store and looked at all the bathing suits, and I couldn’t believe what I’ve been missing. All these years hidding in a black one piece. The colors, the fabrics, the shapes. I tried at least 15 on. Bikinis. And 2 one peice, for good measure. Well not for good measure. My little voice was not so little today. It was screaming “You can’t do that! Can’t wear a bikini, you’re too old, too fat, too soft, too too.” I tried a one piece and walked around with it in my hands for quite a while. Then I found the perfect one. The perfect 2 piece. Dumped the one piece like it was on fire. Told the voice to shut the fuck up.

So what. I have stretch marks. My ass is sagging a bit. And? I look great in that bikini. It’s yellow and orange and green and white and, and, and…. I look like a surfer girl 🙂

All this… for what? Cartagena Colombia. In three weeks.

bad bad bad

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A very bad cold, nyquil and PMS do NOT mix well. I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused, depressed, lonely, impatient, sad, psychotic in my life. I feel like I’m the end of my rope. For no fucking reason. If only it had a purpose. If only it inspired me. If only I had the strenght to hold a book or watch a good movie… I managed to make sense of an old CSI episode, fell asleep on the second one (it was actually a Miami and my god David Caruso is such a fucking bad actor). I should go to bed right now, wipe the drool off my lips, put out that cigarette (yes, even if my throat is killing me), turn off the cumputer. Turn off my head. Lights out.

Really?

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A few things…

I’m going to kill the stupid fucking bitch I work with before tomorrow. I swear, I’ll tear her fucking head off. She’s stupid, ignorant, arrogant, petty, she lies… FUCK. I hate it when I can’t deal with someone. And she’s the kind of person that talks ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She can’t shut up. She thinks out loud, that’s the worst. Always mumbling something, asking questions, answering herself. Arrrrrghhhhhh!!!

She’s sitting in front of me. Right now. And she’s typing something, and she’s fucking TALKING, actually saying out loud what she’s typing… Get me out of here please…

Oh, that’s another thing… I’m at work. Never posted from here before. But that’s how quiet it’s been. It sucks, I hate it when there’s nothing to do. The less I do then the less I want to do when the volume picks up…

It’s the first time I work for such a big company (1/2 a bil in revenue last year…) and I can honestly say that security and proximity were the two major reasons I came to work here. But it’s been 2 years, and I realize that I don’t belong in this place. I’ll never socialize, I’ll never make friends, I’ll never eat in the cafeteria, I’ll never change my attitude (something that they actually HIRED me for, and pay me big bucks for) and never fucking pretend I like someone because I have to work with him/her. I want to be able to say fuck off, shut up, get the fuck out of here, don’t bother me with your shit… I used to be able to, the other companies I worked for, but here NO. They want me to be pleasant, smiling and shit. No way. That’s not me, just do your job properly, I’ll do mine and see you tomorrow. Clock watchers… all of them.

Well, gotta do some work now, the crazy bitch is gone for lunch. I hope she fucking chokes on someting and DIES.

Election night…

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Interesting (read scary) quotes from our next Prime Sinister (who should be confirmed in less than 2 hours):

“Human rights commissions, as they are evolving, are an attack o­n our fundamental freedoms and the basic existence of a democratic society…It is in fact totalitarianism. I find this is very scary stuff.” (BC Report Newsmagazine, January 11, 1999)

“These proposals included cries for billions of new money for social assistance in the name of “child poverty” and for more business subsidies in the name of “cultural identity”. In both cases I was sought out as a rare public figure to oppose such projects.” (The Bulldog, National Citizens Coalition, February 1997)

“After all, enforced national bilingualism in this country isn’t mere policy. It has attained the status of a religion. It’s a dogma which o­ne is supposed to accept without question. … [M]ake no mistake. Canada is not a bilingual country. In fact it is less bilingual today than it has ever been…As a religion, bilingualism is the god that failed. It has led to no fairness, produced no unity, and cost Canadian taxpayers untold millions.” (Calgary Sun, May 6, 2001)

Êtes-vous allés voter? C’est triste.

Invasion of your personal space

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I’m trying out that blogrolling thing here… Some links in French, some in English, I’ve put small tags on them.

I’ve put only a few, the ones I read most often, I might add more, I don’t know. If you see your link here and don’t want to, please let me know. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this. I don’t know why. I’ll try it out for a little while anyway.

The puke pink will probably go soon. I can’t stand it anymore. The font, the layout, I’m just sick of it. So I might venture in the template world shortly. I might screw up. Oh well.

Fun with Jane and Jane

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Co-worker #1: I dropped a candle holder on my dog’s head last night!!!
Co-worker #2: Oh my god! Is “he” all right?
Co-worker #1: We had to take him to the vet, “he” had a big bump. I was crying, the dog was whining, it was horrible! But the “doctor” said “he” will be ok! I was soooo worried!
Co-worker #2: Well! That’s a relief!
Me: Somebody minds picking up the phone? I’m on the line here.
Co-worker #1: No need to be so rude!
Me: Wish I could say fuck you and get back to work, but since you’re so sensitive I’ll just say please, ok?

This is for real. I can’t work with women. They’re sensitive, vindictive, hypocritical and manipulative. I’ve worked with men for years. Never a problem. Just say what’s on your mind and get it over with. Now I’m surrounded by women and they drive me nuts. And needless to say my attitude is a problem for them. Like I give a flying fuck.

Painful self-discipline

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My butt hurts. I was on the bike for an hour at the gym. Is there any way they could make the seats more uncomfortable?

However. The suffering is worth it. I hope so anyway. My ass is sadly sagging 🙁

My spirit is not so much though. Feeling a little lyrical, but overall pretty good. This is so strange. So remote from last week, last month. I almost feel guilty, thinking “avoidance, avoidance, avoidance”.

“Cutting myself some slack”. A kind soul shared this. Yeah, I guess I should too.

Lighter

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whoaaaa, I had forgotten how good it feels to work out! It lifted 150lbs of pressure off my brain. Just me, the machine and my toy.

I was going to the video store yesterday, a different one, smaller, where they have old movies, documentaries, repertoire… They’re closing! That’s too bad, it really was unique in this area. They’re selling all their movies at 8$ and games at 10$. But the sale started Monday, so all the good games were gone. All the new releases too, but I got 5 great movies! Glengary Glen Ross, Reservoir Dogs, The Falcon and the Snowman, Trainspotting and 2001.

Watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose last night, not bad. Good entertainment. Then The Falcon and The Snowman. This movie fascinates me, I don’t know why. But I remember that I fell in love with Sean Penn when I first saw it, totally. Tonight will be War of the Worlds (saw it at the theater, but I want to see what it looks like on the big 60”) and probably Glengary Glen Ross. There are lots of extras on the DVD, that should be interesting.

I really feel good right now, I have to remember that feeling, I have to keep in mind why I want to work out. It’s not only about my body. The discipline I’m imposing on myself to go to the gym, it will spread. This summer, I was feeling like this, and before I hit the bottom, I have to shape up, kick myself in the ass, and go get them demons.