Everyday Swan

Should

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I should be in a better mood. I should be thankful my kids are as healthy and bright as they are. I should give more love. I should stop whining and do something about everything. I should stop using the words murder, kill, shit, fuck, asshole, motherfucker, stupid, ignorant, bitch… so much. Although I did come up with a few imaginative combinations today.

I should let go, open up, smile, feel, enjoy.

I should shut up. I should find a doctor that would be willing to rip my uterus out and throw it far, far away. I should invent a weapon against premenstrual syndrome and kill it slowly and deliciously.

A new soundtrack

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In order to remain sane and happy for the holifuckindays I will try to play music that makes me feel good, and not too blue or agressive… hummm not easy, but here’s my very tentative list of things I should play more often to keep me from murdering someone to the rythm of Winter Wonderland.

The White Stripes-Get behind me Satan
Beck-Sea Change
Led Zep-Houses of the Holy
Billie Holiday-All or nothing at all
Koko Taylor-Force of Nature
Stevie Ray Vaughan-Greatest Hits
System of a down-Hypnotize (fuck it, can’t help myself)
Robert Charlebois-Québec Love
AC/DC-Dirty deeds done dirt Cheap
Depeche Mode-Violator
Nirvana-In Utero
The Black Crowes-The southern harmony and musical Companion
Violent Femmes-Viva Wisconsin
Oasis-(What’s the story) Morning Glory?
The Beatles-Magical Mystery Tour

That should keep me happy for a while. Happy I said. So no Radiohead, no Metallica, no Rage Against the Machine, no Bush, no Matthew Good, no Tom Waits (or as little as possible)…

I will try and squeeze in some Elvis, James Brown, K.C., Sly, Curtis, Isaac, Marvin and Tom Jones.

I’m feeling a light spring in my step…

Ten things I never said but should’ve

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Surfing blogs I was directed by Stephaine to Secret Garden for an interesting exercise… Ten things I never said but should’ve. Just list them without putting the name of the persone they’re intended to. The funny thing is, as they both mention, is that you realize after writing them down that they can be directed to more than one person.

1. No it’s not ok.
2. I never meant to do this to you, I’m sorry.
3. Shut up already!
4. I’m sorry I didn’t say I love you more often.
5. Please leave.
6. I don’t want you in my life anymore.
7. Sure you can come over.
8. Yes I do mind.
9. Your heroin habit is a turn off really.
10. It was me that stole that gram from your stash, sorry about the problems it brought you.

I enjoyed that 🙂

I’m glad I’m not into drugs anymore… I haven’t touched anything in over 15 years except the occasional joint. And I still have issues with that part of my life, imagine.

Being thankful

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Our neighbors holiday made me think about that. This blog as well. Being thankful is not that easy, I think. Thankfulness is usually mixed up with other feelings. I will try to strip everything off right now say thanks.

to C. for being honest, compassionate, understanding, bitchy, funny, patient.

to L. for being strong, true, a wonderful father.

to my children for their love, their intelligence, their help and for just being.

to my mother, who while she was alive I was busy judging and criticizing, made me realize after being gone that all she wanted was for me to be me and to be happy.

to my father, for loving me at all times, even when I turned my back on him, and even more when I came back to him, without him ever asking me questions.

and finally, to the people who have paid attention to my whiney ass on this blog. I started here without even thinking for a second that people would stop by and read this. Then some did. And I am amazed. Because you have been so nice, and respectful. No one judged me. I still think that I’m weird, but I know now that it’s ok 🙂

I’m new to this. I’m starting to visit other people’s blog and really enjoy it. There are some wonderful human beings around here. And it gives me hope. After many years online, I never thought this would happen.

Shopping

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Tomorrow being turkey day and all my suppliers being down south, I will take the day off. I’ll go shopping for a dress for the company’s Christmas party. I feel like getting something totally outrageous, but not trashy. I want to be the star 🙂 well, might not happen, but I can always fool myself for a minute here. There’ll be around 500 people there. Lots of competition!

I don’t like parties, I never know what to do except drink and smoke. Dance a little bit once I had a few drinks and meet everyone’s wife/husband. I don’t care, ok? I won’t see them until next year anyway. I see these people year round, why would alchool and a nice suit make them more interesting? Sometimes I think I’m totally anti social, or hanging on the fringes of sociopathy. It could be that I’m in the wrong crowd too, I don’t know.

But I have to make a conscious effort to be nice most of the time to the people I work with. I have no interest in their personal lives or problems. I hate it when someone is talking about their relationship or their problems with their kids. I don’t want to know unless we’re friends. It’s just too much information. And how about their interests and hobbies? Nope, no interest there either. One quilts, knits, does tai chi and paints wood boxes. Another spends all her time at the casino or bingo.

There are 6 people in my department. None of the others have read a book in the 2 years I’ve been there. None!!! Music? Movies? Theater? Politics? I make suggestions, bring CD’s, lend them DVD’s… There is just nothing at all going on here. My work day is working like a growing desert in my mind. I’m drying. Scared, alone, isolated.

So a whole day shopping should bring me back to human form 🙂

Wonder woman

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I was on fire at the office today… Cleaned up a lot of shit, ordered a lot of people around, argued with a sales director, impressed a VP, pissed off my boss, received a couple of emails from another VP who’s in China to ask me to take care of a few problems, put a new driver on the road… 🙂

I felt like firing a couple of my collegues… but I have only so much power. It was a great feeling though.
So I went to the video store and got Tekken 5, I felt like kicking some more ass. And also rented Gangs of New York, The Big Lebowski and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.