Everyday Swan

Filler estival

Posted on

Mes cheveux sont trop longs j’pense. Une couette qui volait au vent est restée prise en fermant la fenêtre de l’auto (il ventait fort!)… La fenêtre arrière…

Je comprenais pas au début. Je montais et baissait la vitre avant, mais j’étais toujours pognée. J’ai fini par allumer et baisser celle d’en arrière. Ouf. C’est stressant à 120.

J’arrive de m’acheter un vélo. Toute contente, prévoyant faire une petite ride en arrivant à la maison. Je sors du magasin, le ciel est noir, il vente et se met à tomber des clous.

Je me dis alors pas grave, j’ai une tonne de films à l’appart. J’arrive, range la bécane, allume une couple de chandelles (j’aime ça bon), fume une smoke en regardant ma pile de dvd. Le téléphone sonne.

-Tu viens me rejoindre au bar?

-Euh… (shit, fuck, ahhhhh câlisse, je meurs envie de te voir, dormir avec toi, goûter ton haleine de bière, partager une clope dans le noir)

-Allez, viens en prendre une avec moi!

Et ici s’arrête toute similitude avec la fille d’avant. Avant, j’aurais dit ok… Ok, ouais, je vais venir. Ok, je vais aller prendre ma douche, m’épiler, me coiffer, me maquiller un peu, traverser le pont, chercher du parking…

-Non. J’ai vraiment envie de te voir, mais ça serait bien si tu venais chez moi! Allez… Viens dormir ici!

-Ok. J’en prend une dernière et je m’en viens.

(J’aurais envie d’insérer ici quelques smileys. C’est ridicule comment ces ptits bonhommes jaunes expriment bien nos sentiments des fois. Seulement, de vive voix, ça se traduit mal!)

Retour en surface

Posted on

Guys dig braids… I noticed… A hairy 30 something cranked up the SOAD in his car to get my attention, as we were waiting for the green light. Me on foot. I turned, he smiled. That was nice.

À lire, Sex, drugs & updating your blog, cet article du NY Times Magazine qui explore en profondeur la relation qu’on les artistes avec leur blogue (et leurs fans), outil de promotion de départ, qui souvent devient un piège bien difficle à éviter. Vraiment bien écrit, et ça plonge dans la mécanique du blogue, les systèmes de commentaires, les message boards. Via le blogue de Richard Hétu.

Hier, veg devant l’ordi, la télé sur Canal D… Quelques mots attirent mon attention. Je me déplace, chaise —> sofa. Ce qui suit, c’est sérieusement la meilleure heure et demi que j’ai passé devant la télé depuis longtemps. L’illusion tranquille devrait être diffusé simultanément à toutes les chaînes à chaque jour, trois fois par jour, jusqu’à temps que tout le monde allume.

Ahhh Classmates… Notre 20ième s’envient, l’an prochaine (shit… 20 ans depuis la fin du secondaire, 20 ans! vingt. ans. 20. 😐 ) Je vais faire un tour… Et qui trouve-je?? Hahahaha t’as pas changé Martin! Un ami (j’en avais pas tant que ça, sérieux, vraiment pas beaucoup) qui écrit! Avec son site et tout. Je suis le lien… Non, t’as effectivement pas changé. Je t’écris bientôt!

My latest geeky fantasy: should I or shouldn’t I? I might… Also, starting today, Pandora.com is recognizing our IP’s, so there’s no way to logon to the site directly from your browser… From an article on Lifehacker, I followed this link to a proxy site. I got to my Pandora page through 3 links of proxy, all within the US obviously… But I got there! Phew! Pandora lives a little longer here.

Aaaand, yes, I’ll admit, I LOVE lolcats!

lolcats2

Bits

Posted on

My 12 year old son just left for a week to Vancouver, on a cultural exchange with his class. A week. And this is my week with the kids, but now it will be my and my daughter. A girl’s week. Let’s make the most of it (ie: eating quiche, watching horror movies and reality tv… hehe).

  • The blogroll section has been updated. Some old some new. But pretty much the way it’s supposed to be.

Like the sand after a storm, things are settling down. Getting used to being by myself. I never lived alone. Never watched so many CSI episodes in a week.

Tried to be there for a mourning friend. It’s hard, considering there was 250kms between us. I don’t think it would’ve changed anything though. Being there was all that I could do, all that was expected, and all that was really necessary. When we finally touched, it was the right time.

It’s a beautiful day.

My fears are fading, I’m feeling more confident than ever. It’s still hard to deal with him… I guess that will remain for a while. I’ sad when I see him, afraid that he too is sad. BUT.

It’s a beautiful day. Movin’ on.

La techie en pause

Posted on

Mon disque dur est mort ce matin… Mon petit Maxtor, 20 Go, 5 ans, kaput. Je l’ai donc remplacé par un 200 Go, tant qu’a y être… Oh merveille des copies piratées, mon BIOS ne reconnaît que 137 Go, mais pour lui forcer la main, il me faut un update de Windows, que je ne peux évidemment pas obtenir… J’ai regardé pour le fun le prix de WinXP… 240$… Deux cent quarante piasses??? Ça va pas? Anyway. Windows m’a formaté une partition de 131 Go, je verrai pour la suite. Bon, la carte vidéo commençait à se plaindre aussi, 32 Megs, c’est pas la mère à boire de nos jours. Une 256 cheap à 80$.

Downloads, installs… FF, Adobe reader, cent milles plugins, addons, updates… Mais toujours cette merde de WGA (windows genuine advantage, mon cul oui) qui m’empêche d’arranger les choses à mon goût. Thank God for Quick Time et Real Alternative.

Setter mes services… (les meilleurs settings pour les services, c’est Black Viper, all the way), Office (pas légal non plus, mais tout à fait fonctionel, so, who cares).

Tout ça me tiendra occupée, quelques soirées de cette semaine. Le rush est passé, j’ai acheté pas mal tous mes trucs essentiels (électros, meubles, vaisselle, literie…) pour le déménagement. J’ai mon nouveau numéro de téléphone… Je suis un peu assomée par l’ampleur de ce que j’ai accompli, et de ce qui m’attend. J’ai pris un break aujourd’hui, assise en indien devant mon case, tournevis en main.

J’ai l’impression de regarder le temps passer à côté de moi à toute vitesse. Je cours pourtant. Mais je ne bouge pas. Impending… J’aime ce mot. Je me sens comme juste avant un plongeon, je prend mon souffle, me bouche le nez, et saute. Sans fin, sans arrêt, je sens le vent siffler dans mes oreilles, et j’arrête pas de me demander quand est-ce que je vais frapper l’eau. J’ai hâte.

Profiled

Posted on

A couple of weeks ago I received an interesting email. Although I realized right away that it was a generic questionnaire, most likely to evaluate if my blog was interesting enough to feature in a little profile piece (which it probably isn’t), I enjoyed replying to the answers and was flattered by the attention.

_______________________________________________________

from: Steve Faguy
to: swanpr@gmail.com
date: Feb 20, 2007 4:41 AM
subject: Questions about your blog An Unexamined Life…

Hi,

The Gazette is doing profiles of prominent Montreal blogs, and we’d love if
you could answer some questions about you and your blog. Feel free to
elaborate as much as possible and include any information that would help
our readers to understand your blog and what makes it unique.

Thank you.

1. Tell me about yourself (your name, age, hometown)

I maintain a somewhat anonymous blog. I’m swan_pr. That’s my name here. I’m 36, born and raised in Montreal (mostly). I moved to the suburbs in 1995, became a housewife for a few years, before going back to work full time in the transport industry. I have two teenagers (that do NOT know about my blog) and just separated from my boyfriend (and father to the kids) of 20 years. Everything I’m telling you here I’ve written about in one way or another on my blog.

2. What is your day job?

See 1

3. Why did you start your blog? When was the first post and what was it about?

I started a blog after reading other peoples’ for a while. I could remember I used to write as a teenager, and figured this would be a good way to help me figure out where I was at in my life. Like a conversation with myself. Besides, I was completely isolated, my family life having taken over all aspects of my life. I guess I was lost, was changing, and couldn’t really bring myself to seek help or talk to someone. I first posted in August 2005 about this. My first post.

4. What do you write about? What makes your blog unique?

I write about me! My feelings, my reflexions, observations. I did a lot of soul searching, criticizing. Writing about the doubts I have about myself and my capacities and aptitudes as a mother and an independent woman. About pain, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness. About sexual fantasies, lovers. A little fiction, mostly in French, poetry. Basically, it’s a very intimate blog, but I let people come in and share, and most readers can find themselves in my writings, men and women. Through time it helped me tremendously, realizing that I was not alone in these feelings. In that I don’t feel my blog is unique, because everyone goes through rough times, hard introspective journeys. The only really unique thing I can see, is that I write in French and English, and alternate but without any kind of order. I don’t decide or choses a language ahead of time. When I sit down and start typing, it just comes out in a certain language. I guess some readers are put off by that. But surprisingly, not that many. I have regular readers from New Zealand, Australia, th UK, the States, none of them speak French, but they come to read the English posts. Same thing with readers from Québec, France or Belgium. I’m glad they can find something they like and can relate to.

5. Do you have a favourite post or series? One that got a lot of attention?

I don’t have series. And as far as attention getters, I don’t get sudden surges either. I rarely stray out of my usual style. No specific reason. I just write whatever I feel like, and it happens to always be about the same things…

6. What do you not blog about? What do you have absolutely no interest in?

I rarely blog about my everyday life, or the tv programs I watch, or news stories. Not that I NEVER do it, but very very rarely. And I don’t read blogs that do that either. Chit chat I can have at the office, I’d don’t see the point in reading that. I really do hate bloggers that never look at themselves, seriously, but constantly criticize others, the ones that go for the sympathy vote, the emotional manipulations. The ones that basically live through blogs and comments, have a clear dependency to their readership and the “blog life” but won’t admit it. If you’re going to live your life on your blog, at least do it responsibly, at least take the time to examine who you are, where you’re going, where you’ve been. Blogs are a fantastic way to rediscover yourself, and for once in your life you should grab the opportunity to be true.

7. How has the blog changed since you first started it?

Hasn’t changed really, as much as evolved. I had very very low points in the last year. Times when my heart had been broken, or stepped on. Times when just waking up in the morning was somewhat of a feat. In the last few months, where I was going through my separation, the allegories and fictions took the back seat, as I needed to sort my thoughts about the reality of separating, walking away from 20 years of “vie commune”, in all its aspects. I think inevitably the change will be permanent, although I still want to write fiction and poetry, but later. That’s one other thing I learned through blogging. At first it was an escape, whenever life was too much to bear, I could run to my page and just live there. Now I have changed, realized my weaknesses and strengths, learned to embrace reality in order to progress, instead of hiding and being afraid all the time. This will surely be reflected upon my writings in the near future.

8. Who reads your blog?

Different people, from all walks of life. High end execs, housewives, artists, lost souls. And in many ways, as different as they may seem from me, they represent a little bit of who I am. And I hope I represent a little part of themselves as well. I do like that sense of community, in the universal sense, (not the fake blogfriend sense). What I write, the way I write it is in no way exceptional. But I am doing something I love doing. And who ever stumbles upon my page and stays makes me happy. And I hope I can make them happy (or miserable… depends on my mood!) for a little while.

9. What else should people know to understand your blog?

Well… I don’t think I did understand what my blog reprensents to me before answering your questions! That was quite an eye opener… So I guess your readers will have to live with the previous answers.

That’s great post material… Let me know what you intend to do with this, and if I can use some or all of it to post on my blog.

Thanks for the interest.

Midstep

Posted on

Between two anxiety attacks I try to arrange, place, organize. I try to appear calm. I try to  focus, visualise. But somehow everything is slippery and crumbling under my fingers. I have the thinnest thread running between two lives. I’m afraid.

Not afraid. No, scared. My willingness to change, to move, to live was overbearing. Now that it’s happening, all the questions I should’ve asked myself before surface furiously. The evidence blinded me. And as I try to picture myself gone, all I can see is me here. What I will miss. The life I’m supposedly unhappy with. The moments when we were four. In the car, at the diner table, on the beach, in the mountain. But of course it’s over. Of course I’m leaving. Because we were not two anymore.

As I head towards everything new and shiny and exciting, I full grasp the meaning of my decision. Who am I kidding… I DID ask myself the questions. Fuck, if not once a thousand times then. I drove myself to insanity with them. Drove back here to find an empty, empty, desolate room. With only the faintest scent of happiness lingering.

But still I’m scared. It’s all so real. There is no other way for me to explain this. No fancy allegory, no poetic arrangement. I can’t escape it this time. I can’t let it leave a message on the machine. Can’t let it pile up on the counter. Can’t ask to stop the payment. This is one that will go through no matter what.

Yes, again…

Posted on

As fast as my life is… Changing templates along with my moods.

I really like this one. It needs a lot of work, font size, colors, page associations need to be fixed, but I feel it reflects my state of mind at this point.

Then again, tomorrow’s another day…

One way or another, this blog is moving forward, as is its owner. And it’s all good.

**Edit

It doesn’t look too good in IE, get FF already people!

One last look behind

Posted on

I am so filled with life right now. No words could really do justice. It can get tiring to always look over hills and bumps. And also up from the well. I’ve looked down a few times, but right now, now as I type this, the horizon is so fucking clear and inviting, I’m still unsure if it’s a mirage or too much visualisation. So many things to do. A new life to organize, to invent, to live.

Since August 2005, I’ve been looking at myself, what I’ve done, what I’ve been. Things I’ve let go and others I’ve held on for too long. Ghosts are still hovering. I know chances are I will fuck up once in a while. I’ve been in distress, through depression, heartache, overpowering sadness and many, many times, hopelessness.

I’ve also learned to be a better person, less judgemental, less angry. Bitterness has evaporated. I’ve let love touch me, something I always denied myself. Love, in all its forms.

Suddenly, I can listen to Nick Drake and Edith Piaf and appreciate it. I don’t feel like dying anymore. I can now believe it’s possible to love a friend, a child, a man so much it can inspire a song. It can put colors in my cheeks. I can tell you I love you Love-Soeur and not feel ashamed for even feeling it. Tell my children many times a day, instead of once in a while.

It’s hard to even imagine living alone. I’ve been living with this man since I was 17. Alone. And yet I have no fear. I realize how big the loss is. How much things will change. The phone will not be ringing as much, the sounds will be different. At some point I thought my universe would just shrink to me and my very small family. But because I’ve changed, because I’ve met extraordinary souls, I know that my universe will only expand.

And you… The passerby, the occasional visitor, the dedicated reader, the loving friend, are very much a part of it. For reading, for commenting, for never ever having judged me. And for the wonderful words you lay upon your own part of the universe.

Transition is almost over. Colors are coming, just like spring, right around the corner, as I pull my tongue out and catch the last snowflakes of this very long winter.

Quelque chose que je ne croyais jamais refaire si vite…

Posted on

Répondre à un autre questionnaire. Ben coudonc.

Pour toi Love-Soeur

 

1. Attrapez le livre le plus proche, allez à la page 18 et écrivez la 4e ligne

He began to climb the stairs. It was a curious sensation… Weaveworld de Clive Barker que je relis présentement.

2- Quelle est la dernière chose que vous ayez regardée à la télévision ?

Status Anxiety de Alain de Botton sur PBS. Genre de philo-pop, pas pire.

3- Sans vérifier, devinez quelle heure il est ?

20h15

4- Vérifiez, il est…

20h22

5- En dehors du bruit de l’ordinateur, qu’entendez-vous ?

La télé derrière moi, mon fils qui regarde Futurama…

6- Quand êtes-vous sortie la dernière fois, qu’avez-vous fait ?

J'ai visité le boucher.

7- Que portez-vous ?

Du linge qui ne me convient plus vraiment. C’est bien beau se réinventer, la garde-robe ne suit pas toujours.

8- Avant de répondre à ce questionnaire, que regardiez-vous ?

Mon fils pelleter la galerie, puis mes feeds sur Bloglines.

9- Avez-vous rêvé cette nuit ?

Sûrement.

10- Quand avez-vous ri la dernière fois ?

Tantôt, en inventant des mots avec fiston. Fidlipwidi, c'est un condiment. Excellent dans les sandwichs aux tomates.

11- Qu’y a-t-il sur les murs de la pièce où vous êtes ?

Rien. Des fenêtres qui donnent sur l'échiquier des cours de banlieues. Je garde les stores fermés souvent.

12- Avez-vous vu quelque chose d’étrange aujourd’hui ?

Non. Oui. Ça dépend de qui regarde.

13- Que pensez-vous de ce questionnaire ?

Bof. Mes réponses… bof.

14- Quel est le dernier film que vous ayez vu ?

Good night and good luck hier soir. Je l'avais déjà vu en v.o. Regardé avec ma fille, très bien traduit.

15- Si vous deveniez multimillionnaire dans la nuit, quelle est la première chose que vous achèteriez ?

Une maison pour pouvoir déménager au plus sacrant.

16- Dites-nous quelque chose de vous que nous ne savons pas encore :

Je parle très mal. J'ai honte de moi-même parfois. Et je dois faire un effort conscient pour le cacher à tout moment.

17- Si vous pouviez changer quelque chose dans le monde en dehors de la culpabilité et la politique, que changeriez-vous ?

La répartition des richesses individuelles.

18- Aimez-vous danser ?

Oui. Malheureusement je danse comme une roche.

19- Georges Bush ?

Je vais prendre l’enveloppe #3

20- Quel serait le prénom de votre enfant si c’était une fille ?

La shop est fermée.

21- Et si c’était un garçon ?

Voir question #20

22- Avez-vous déjà pensé à vivre à l’étranger ?

Rêvé oui. NYC. J’y ai probablement vécu dans une autre vie.

23- Que voudriez-vous que Dieu vous dise lorsque vous franchirez les portes du paradis ?

Il ne me dira rien, ce n’est pas devant lui que je me retrouverai.

24-Quelles sont les 4 prochaines victimes que j’invite à jouer avec l’infâme questionnaire farfelu sur leur blog?

Pas quatre. Je retourne la balle à Dave (feel like a little translation Dave? 😉 ) et Quartz 🙂

A bump in the road

Posted on

I haven't had a crying fit in a while. In weeks. I cried so much, every night, every day, in October and November. I was pretty much all cried out. And I've been doing pretty good lately, despite my situation. The unknowns, fears, insecurities. And it's building up, it's there like a growing cloud. And I smile, and I smile and I fucking smile. Yes, everything is fine, thanks, I'm great, I feel better than I have in ages…

And this morning, it's right there. On the brim. On the verge. One word and I will crash. I know. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel this anymore. But it looks like I'm not done dealing with this shit. It's huge, the real thing. And the pressure, and the responsabilities I'm taking on, and and and. Fuck I need to cry. It's just a door I don't dare open at this moment. I have no idea where this one will lead me.

I'm a little lost right now.