It's such an odd feeling to not know what life holds for me at this very moment, yet to know that it holds so much more than it did yesterday.
I'm numb, then hurt, then elated, then insecure, then determined.
Mostly, I think, I think this is coming… Freedom.
In thought, in breath, in being. In thought
mostly I think, I think this is coming… Light
Everything is a possibility, never a certainty.
That is beautiful. That is freedom.
I won't turn this into a chronicle. But Day 0 and Day 1 had to be identified. Notes to myself not forget.
I have no clue where I'm heading. But it's through the biggest door I've ever seen that I'll be walking out.
For I am.
20 years. Not leaving anything behind. Not closing my eyes. Not avoiding. But
Being.
Day 0. Day 1. Another one is coming up. And it's quite fine.
Apesanteur.
Dans une pièce nue. Dans une pièce sans fenêtre.
Heureusement, il y a une porte.
Je l'ai ouverte.
Un souffle m'y portera. Un seul.
Ta bouche est ouverte.
Je t'ai même donné ma position cardinale.
Qu'est-ce que t'attends?
Note to self:
Premier pas.
Toujours en vie.
Soudainement, les prochains me semblent possibles.
Jour 0. Aujourd'hui.
Ne pas oublier le chemin emprunté, pour ne pas repasser sur les mêmes roches. Les mêmes sentiers.
Ne pas effacer les paysages qui bordaient le sentier. Les peindre à chaque jour dans mon esprit, projetter les couleurs des mes souvenirs sur les toiles de mes nouveaux espaces.
Regarder en arrière, regarder en avant. Mais surtout regarder maintenant.
Je sais, c'est très noir ces jour-çi. Enfin, je devrais plutôt dire ces semaines-çi… mois? Whatever. C'est ben plate, mais ça va être comme ça encore un boute.
Des bonnes choses: l'amitié, le support, l'entraide, les gens humains. L'amour, la paix, le réconfort, la détermination.
La lumière, là-bas…
Yes,all to:
Now!!!
—oOSOo—
I just didn't want to to this tonight. Didn't have the energy. Inspiration is always there though, at the tip of your words.
—oOSOo—
As I think about what I've been writing here since the beginning, the changes, the stories, fictional and not so fictional, I realize that everything was a premise for what is to come. A kind of rain check on the inevitable, a silent yet violent therapy.
I haven't lived my life through my blog, rather, I lived because of it. Or resuscitated. Which ever it is, nothing else could've prepared me better. Will I ever be ready is another question. I guess not. Never.
I'm feeling the physical effects of the extreme emotional stress I've been under and it scares me. That alone should be enough warning.
Also, denying myself of all the love I need to give and receive has made me a very bitter and angry person, and I don't like to hang around too long in my head these days. I miss that.
Despite what everyone has been telling me, I still cannot convince myself that I deserve, that I am worthy, that I am allowed. To. Anything.
It would be easy to blame. To point fingers. But I refuse to do that. In the process though, I have to fucking stop scourging myself. And just move on. Move the fuck on.
The ground has never been shakier. Yet, I'm willing to make one more step. And another one. And another one.
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
-James Thurber
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Frank Herbert (from Dune)
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Talking to you from the other side of a wall in my mind
And it's clear that you're near to me
I think I found a way to understand why I couldn't see what was happening
The fear overcame me
Took a trip on the inside, I took a trip on the inside
–
Anathema / (Breaking over the) Barriers
Là où un autre aurait dû être?
Mon nom. De derrière la page.
Et c'est moi, encore plus.
Dans le coin d'une photo. Un oeil. Une bouche.
Un nom.
Sur une page.
Sur d'autres, mon autre.
Ailleurs, encore un autre.
De combien en ai-je besoin?
Le mien dans la réalité projetée sur écran.
Elle vient de s'échouer dans mes yeux.
Une addition qui en fait est une division qui s'est résolue.
J'en ai jamais eu qu'un seul.
The night has fallen.
Suns died.
The knight has fallen.
Sons cried.
All around the smell of standing still for lives that never came.
Only dust the herald of hollow memories.
Note to self:
J'ai 35 ans.
J'peux-tu rêver ciboire?
J'ai tu encore le temps?
Mais surtout, j'ai tu le droit?
Qu'est-ce que ça m'prend pour pas oublier que la réponse c'est OUI?
Pour pas me fondre dans le décor pis attendre attendre attendre espérer penser que être plus forte que piler dessus conformer demander?
Je veux respirer. Je veux rêver.
Des mains sur mon visage.
Je veux pas crever sans jamais sentir des mains sur mon visage, des yeux plantés dans les miens.
Je l'prend le droit.
Je. Le prend.