bad bad bad
A very bad cold, nyquil and PMS do NOT mix well. I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused, depressed, lonely, impatient, sad, psychotic in my life. I feel like I’m the end of my rope. For no fucking reason. If only it had a purpose. If only it inspired me. If only I had the strenght to hold a book or watch a good movie… I managed to make sense of an old CSI episode, fell asleep on the second one (it was actually a Miami and my god David Caruso is such a fucking bad actor). I should go to bed right now, wipe the drool off my lips, put out that cigarette (yes, even if my throat is killing me), turn off the cumputer. Turn off my head. Lights out.
J’attends toujours
All these people drinking lover’s spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met
-Broken Social Scene
j’espère encore que ça revienne. j’espère encore.
y a jamais personne qui m’a parlé comme ça. jamais, personne.
je comprends maintenant, parce que je viens d’atterir.
je n’en peux plus d’attendre que le passé passe.
j’aurais pu y trouver encore du plaisir. mais pas au prix de mon nom.
j’attends toujours.
ta véritable identité.
la mienne est éventrée, en pleine rue, et les voitures roulent dessus, et les piétons s’enfargent dedans.
et tu y as jeté à peine un coup d’oeil.
c’était assez.
j’attends toujours.
There is no I in gone
I was all
I was the new
I was the unknown
I was the high
I was only, not true
I am nothing
I am the used
I am the uncomfortable comfort
I am the weight
I am only, just, real
Abandoned places
Billie Holiday’s voice, only
In my solitude you haunt me
With reveries of days gone by
In my solitude you taunt me
With memories that never die
I sit in my chair
Filled with despair
Nobody could be so sad
With gloom everywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I’ll soon go mad
-Eddie Delange, Irving Mills, Duke Ellington
And it’s back, so HERE, blinding.
I can’t breath.
So fucking lonely, it fills the space.
Inhabited by absence, lack, void.
Surrounded, abandoned, up to capacity.
There’s no escape from an abyss.
No exit from outside.
I think about here. I am there.
I think about there. I am here.
I want to go back forever. Live in your space.
Never will I escape the absence.
Really?
A few things…
I’m going to kill the stupid fucking bitch I work with before tomorrow. I swear, I’ll tear her fucking head off. She’s stupid, ignorant, arrogant, petty, she lies… FUCK. I hate it when I can’t deal with someone. And she’s the kind of person that talks ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She can’t shut up. She thinks out loud, that’s the worst. Always mumbling something, asking questions, answering herself. Arrrrrghhhhhh!!!
She’s sitting in front of me. Right now. And she’s typing something, and she’s fucking TALKING, actually saying out loud what she’s typing… Get me out of here please…
Oh, that’s another thing… I’m at work. Never posted from here before. But that’s how quiet it’s been. It sucks, I hate it when there’s nothing to do. The less I do then the less I want to do when the volume picks up…
It’s the first time I work for such a big company (1/2 a bil in revenue last year…) and I can honestly say that security and proximity were the two major reasons I came to work here. But it’s been 2 years, and I realize that I don’t belong in this place. I’ll never socialize, I’ll never make friends, I’ll never eat in the cafeteria, I’ll never change my attitude (something that they actually HIRED me for, and pay me big bucks for) and never fucking pretend I like someone because I have to work with him/her. I want to be able to say fuck off, shut up, get the fuck out of here, don’t bother me with your shit… I used to be able to, the other companies I worked for, but here NO. They want me to be pleasant, smiling and shit. No way. That’s not me, just do your job properly, I’ll do mine and see you tomorrow. Clock watchers… all of them.
Well, gotta do some work now, the crazy bitch is gone for lunch. I hope she fucking chokes on someting and DIES.
lalalèèèèreu
-Tu s’ras jamais heureuse, parce que t’as jamais appris à l’être
-…
Ben coudonc, venant de mon boss, ça doit être vrai! J’déconne là, mais il a touché un point. Peut-être. Peut-être pas. Il me semble que ça s’apprend pas. Mais je sais aussi que j’ai passé de grandes périodes sans avoir aucune idée de ce qui se passait autour de moi. Pourtant je sais que j’ai déjà été très heureuse, et que je le suis encore des fois. C’est pas obligé d’être permanent. J’aime ça avoir le feu au cul, ou les blues aussi. Ici ça sort, ça dégouline, ça s’écoule lentement ou ça éclate. Je pense que je fais exprès d’être déprimée des fois, juste parce que j’aime l’état dans lequel ça me met devant l’écran. C’est toujours honnête, mais toujours temporaire. En tous cas maintenant. Les choses ont changées, elles changent, elles ne seront plus jamais les mêmes. Je m’en fout de la déprime, du noir, de la détresse. J’ai pris le dessus. Mais j’aime bien me vautrer dedans une fois de temps en temps.
To a friend, far, far away
You’ve gone this far…
To come this far.
Do NOT fold.
Election night…
Interesting (read scary) quotes from our next Prime Sinister (who should be confirmed in less than 2 hours):
“Human rights commissions, as they are evolving, are an attack on our fundamental freedoms and the basic existence of a democratic society…It is in fact totalitarianism. I find this is very scary stuff.” (BC Report Newsmagazine, January 11, 1999)
“These proposals included cries for billions of new money for social assistance in the name of “child poverty” and for more business subsidies in the name of “cultural identity”. In both cases I was sought out as a rare public figure to oppose such projects.” (The Bulldog, National Citizens Coalition, February 1997)
“After all, enforced national bilingualism in this country isn’t mere policy. It has attained the status of a religion. It’s a dogma which one is supposed to accept without question. … [M]ake no mistake. Canada is not a bilingual country. In fact it is less bilingual today than it has ever been…As a religion, bilingualism is the god that failed. It has led to no fairness, produced no unity, and cost Canadian taxpayers untold millions.” (Calgary Sun, May 6, 2001)
Êtes-vous allés voter? C’est triste.
A little bliss in the gloom
Then as it was, then again it will be
An’ though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
-Page/Plant
The sun is coming through the windows, warming the room, making her hair shimmer. Her head bowed, her face peaceful. I look at her. My eyes full of tears not meant to be seen, my love hard to contain, overflowing, going out to her.
-You are so good, really. I’m so proud of you.
-You are?
-Yes, I am. You must love this song very much, you were really into it.
-Yes I do.
She smiles, her eyes a little wet too, her cheeks flushed. Her head goes down again, and she starts Diary of a Madman.
I saw my 13 year old daughter play Ten Years Gone on the guitar this morning. I saw love. I saw a little bliss in the gloom.