I get up in the morning, get ready for work, already hoping the day was over. I get home, enjoy some family time , then can’t wait for everyone to go to bed. I sit at the computer, click click click for a couple of hours, then it’s all over. Then it starts all over. I breeze through the day, dealing with people I can’t stand. I breeze through the evening, dealing with people I love with all my heart but need a break from, from time to time.
I closed my eyes. I decided to not see. I can’t even blame someone else. I made a decision when confronted with my feelings and fears and mistakes and unhappiness. It’s so fucking hard not to cheat, not to take shortcuts. I don’t want to be here, but I want to live my life with them. We never made any promises, just acknowledged our malaise, our emptiness. A month later, I’m floating. Ignoring everything I forced myself to admit.
I’m strong, the one they turn to, the one who can take it. But I’m crumbling, I’m imploding, not sure about what is coming out. Unknowns, strangers emerging. I see. I can’t help but look, even though I’m sick of myself. I can’t make it out. Will it ever make sense?
I hate that feeling of helplessness. I write and all I hear is this whiny voice. I want to beat the shit out of me. Stephaine, you were right, growing up is hard.