Touching base

First, I want to thank all of you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for your visits, comments, emails, phone calls. You’ve been a source of encouragement and of strength.

When I started to write, I didn’t know where I was headed in my life. But most importantly I did not know where I WAS. Having found myself at last, I’ve questioned the purpose of this blog many times, questioned it’s place in my life, it’s importance, it’s direction.

My separation, my direction was, as Dave said once, inevitable. This is a certainty, with hindsight, that is blinding, after delving in my archives for a few hours. And my blog has been the path, this path I’ve referred to many times. A blurred one granted, but one that always was in my sight.

As honest as I’ve been here, and even more so on my blogspot blog, I have not said everything. Out of discretion, out of shame or fear of judgment, but mostly out of self censorship. Too many things were going on at the same time, too many for me to handle, yet I chose to do the things I did, chose to live the experiences I’ve lived. And I don’t regret a single one of them.

I’ve been living on my own for five days. I’m scared shitless. I’m not finished arranging the place, and the kids are coming for their first week on Monday. My fridge is still empty, I’m not done cleaning or painting. I’ve spent the last two days with a kind, kind soul. A rock, a stepping stone. One that has crossed the river at my side with an extended hand and an open heart. One that I hope will remain now that the tide is receding.

But the bottom line is, I love being by myself, alone. I love my place. I know I will make it. Because of what I’ve been through, the lessons I’ve learned. Because of you, the support and love you’ve given me. Because of my children, who have been at times the only reason I’m still breathing. Whose love is the only one that truly counts. For them I will always succeed, for them I will always do more than my best.

As for, well… For now, and probably for a long time, it will remain a part of my life. Who am I kidding? This is my path after all. Some light has been shed. But a lot more remains in the shadows. And I shall explore them further, with you, should you choose to walk a little while longer with me.

I’m still settling down, still building my nest. But should be back to my every other day posting soon. I miss it already.

3 thoughts on “Touching base”

  1. DAVE says:

    You may be scared shitless but I read this and feel it in the words, I feel liberation, I feel freedom, I feel shackles left behind, I feel unburdened shoulders, most of all I feel strength. You will adapt and one day we will hear you sing the song of a cageless bird.

  2. pat says:

    j’espère ben que tu resteras!
    un buzz,
    j’étais dans le bus entre SanFrancisco et NewOrleans.
    Millieu du désert, le Névada, les dunes à perte de vue, les cactus géant , des patches de neige à gauche et à droite.
    J’essaye de poigner de quoi avec mon walkman qui a juste assez de jus pour faire fonctionner la radio, que des postes ou ça jappe du biblique, la Bible belt, je suppose.
    Et comme j’allais le recrisser dans mon sac, je “tune” Santuary des theCult, la cerise sur mon sundae de fucké, total.
    Pareil comme quand t’enlève le bon batonnet dans un jeu de Kerplunk et que toutes les billes tombent, Paf! instant nirvana, That was IT.
    C’est des petites fleurs sauvages comme celle là que j’aimerais qu’il me pousse dans la bouette quand on m’enterrera, smilin’.

    Check la radio, on sait jamais.


  3. swan_pr says:

    Dave: thank you, thank you, thank you. that’s exactly it.

    Pat: :)and the world and the world… check la radio… c’est drôle que tu dises ça. tantôt sur je suis tombée sur ça:

    If I were a swan, I’d be gone.
    If I were a train, I’d be late.
    And if I were a good man, I’d talk with you more often than I do.
    If I were to sleep, I could dream.
    If I were afraid, I could hide.
    If I go insane, please don’t put your wires in my brain.
    If I were the moon, I’d be cool.
    If I were a book, I would bend.
    If I were a good man, I’d understand the spaces between friends.
    If I were alone, I would cry.
    And if I were with you, I’d be home and dry.
    And if I go insane, will you still let me join in with the game?
    If I were a swan, I’d be gone.
    If I were a train, I’d be late again.
    If I were a good man, I’d talk to you more often than I do.

    pis pour moi ce soir, that is IT.

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