From afar, or close by
Smells textures shapes that I miss
I see so clearly
I could reach
I could touch
I want to bury my face in the warmth
I want to drown my words in the dark
Swallow the past
Expell my shame
Scream my all my whole
Not all is lost
For I still have a bottle opener
I pour and the overlflow flows
Touches my toes
I walk in wet memories
And leave a trail to follow
Poetry
J’attends toujours
All these people drinking lover’s spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met
-Broken Social Scene
j’espère encore que ça revienne. j’espère encore.
y a jamais personne qui m’a parlé comme ça. jamais, personne.
je comprends maintenant, parce que je viens d’atterir.
je n’en peux plus d’attendre que le passé passe.
j’aurais pu y trouver encore du plaisir. mais pas au prix de mon nom.
j’attends toujours.
ta véritable identité.
la mienne est éventrée, en pleine rue, et les voitures roulent dessus, et les piétons s’enfargent dedans.
et tu y as jeté à peine un coup d’oeil.
c’était assez.
j’attends toujours.
There is no I in gone
I was all
I was the new
I was the unknown
I was the high
I was only, not true
I am nothing
I am the used
I am the uncomfortable comfort
I am the weight
I am only, just, real
Abandoned places
Billie Holiday’s voice, only
In my solitude you haunt me
With reveries of days gone by
In my solitude you taunt me
With memories that never die
I sit in my chair
Filled with despair
Nobody could be so sad
With gloom everywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I’ll soon go mad
-Eddie Delange, Irving Mills, Duke Ellington
And it’s back, so HERE, blinding.
I can’t breath.
So fucking lonely, it fills the space.
Inhabited by absence, lack, void.
Surrounded, abandoned, up to capacity.
There’s no escape from an abyss.
No exit from outside.
I think about here. I am there.
I think about there. I am here.
I want to go back forever. Live in your space.
Never will I escape the absence.
On letting my guard down
I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her room, isn’t it good, norwegian wood?
She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn’t a chair.
-Lennon/McCartney
Opening that door for me was a mistake. I came in, looked around, found the place quite comfortable. Even though there wasn’t a chair. Stark, cold, grey, wet. But still I was comfortable. There was room, air, no ceiling. Eternal night, infinite abyss of black, opened, wide, no end. Inhaled your breath, exhaled my fear. I could settle for a lot less.
You lead me to the stairs. I’m now climbing, not even reaching for the railing.
Space in the words
I dreamed you were facing me. You were looking at me like that first second, when your fingers brushed my hand, when our eyes were not big enough to take it all in. I dreamed your skin was against mine, facing me. I dreamed your mouth was on mine, facing me. But to face me would mean face it all.
I wish sometimes that the words were not empty, that the meaning was back. But it will never be back. It will never. be. back.
Then I think about what if. Then I understand why the meaning is gone. Not because it’s not there anymore. But because the words were not big enough to hold it.
I still have words with meaning to write. Here, there. I’ll create new ones with room in them.
My eyes, my eyes
I watched today
Just a little to taste it
Just to remember your smell
Not enough but almost too much
I watched
Like when I look at pictures
From the last trip, the last holiday
To recapture, to not forget
I watched, took it all in
Not one detail forgot
I don’t have pictures, wish I did
You’re dressed
But I know
That’s why I watched
In case I’d see it.
Body
Hush child – lay your sweet lips on me
This greed – bigger than you and me
Will you come again
Body
Tongue tied and a visceral third degree
Feel warm – center of gravity
Wash us all away
Body never lies
Will you come again
Will we stay friends
Oh you paralyze
-Bush
Greed as hunger as lust as desire
I’m hungry again, awake and hungry
A predator on the loose
The prey elusive
But still, in plain view
I will chase you, hunt you, catch you
Just to smell your fear
Just to put my teeth on your skin
Just to taste your blood on my tongue
When you are here, when I have you
I will tear you apart, to see you inside
To eat you, feed my hunger
When you feel my mouth closing in
You flesh will shiver
Your blood will race
Your eyes will plead
“Yes”
Your hunger for the unknown
That you know, that you fear
Your false sense of control
Is your submission
I want to eat you alive
Hear you scream
Again
All of me
This is not all of me
Here you’ll find pieces
Fragments of what makes me
Ideas of who I think I am
Dreams of who I’d love to become
Fears of what I could’ve been
This is not all of me
Here you’ll find letters
Words that fill my head and meet the screen
Never make it out loud
Truth is, I wouldn’t want to hear them
They’re not meant to be heard
Not meant to be spoken
This is not all of me nor you nor us
This is only meant for our eyes
Spiders, troubles, randomness
All that fills our soul
And spills out on the keyboard
But never makes it passed our lips
For it would loose its meaning
Its magic
That brings us together
This is not all
Back to life to life, back to reality
back to life
the life I’ve known
the life I’ve thought of leaving behind
the life I know I belong in, to
the life that’s always been there
the life I need
the life I have to lead
back to reality
the fucking office.