First, I want to thank all of you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for your visits, comments, emails, phone calls. You’ve been a source of encouragement and of strength.
When I started to write, I didn’t know where I was headed in my life. But most importantly I did not know where I WAS. Having found myself at last, I’ve questioned the purpose of this blog many times, questioned it’s place in my life, it’s importance, it’s direction.
My separation, my direction was, as Dave said once, inevitable. This is a certainty, with hindsight, that is blinding, after delving in my archives for a few hours. And my blog has been the path, this path I’ve referred to many times. A blurred one granted, but one that always was in my sight.
As honest as I’ve been here, and even more so on my blogspot blog, I have not said everything. Out of discretion, out of shame or fear of judgment, but mostly out of self censorship. Too many things were going on at the same time, too many for me to handle, yet I chose to do the things I did, chose to live the experiences I’ve lived. And I don’t regret a single one of them.
I’ve been living on my own for five days. I’m scared shitless. I’m not finished arranging the place, and the kids are coming for their first week on Monday. My fridge is still empty, I’m not done cleaning or painting. I’ve spent the last two days with a kind, kind soul. A rock, a stepping stone. One that has crossed the river at my side with an extended hand and an open heart. One that I hope will remain now that the tide is receding.
But the bottom line is, I love being by myself, alone. I love my place. I know I will make it. Because of what I’ve been through, the lessons I’ve learned. Because of you, the support and love you’ve given me. Because of my children, who have been at times the only reason I’m still breathing. Whose love is the only one that truly counts. For them I will always succeed, for them I will always do more than my best.
As for aspinelesslaugh.com, well… For now, and probably for a long time, it will remain a part of my life. Who am I kidding? This is my path after all. Some light has been shed. But a lot more remains in the shadows. And I shall explore them further, with you, should you choose to walk a little while longer with me.
I’m still settling down, still building my nest. But should be back to my every other day posting soon. I miss it already.